IVF Journey: 10w1d pregnant

This is my IVF diary. My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for four years now, and have a diagnosis of 'unexplained infertility'. We have finally reached the top of the waiting list for IVF - a form of assisted conception. I'm blogging about what happens as it happens, as a kind of therapy for me and as an awareness raising exercise of what IVF is all about.

A bit from the husband today:

It’s heartbreaking what this pregnancy is doing to my wife. Even with the new drugs she’s just not herself. She’s existing rather than living, she’s struggling to find joy or happiness in anything. It’s really hard to watch someone I love so much going through that, partly because I feel for her and partly because I’m lonely - I miss her being herself.

I’m so proud of her for keeping herself together, and for getting back to work which is good for her even though it’s a struggle. I’m proud of her for writing this blog (her posts nearly always have me tearing up), and for winning the biggest contract of her self employed career at one of the most difficult times in her life.

We’re just trying to get through the days at the moment which means we’re not really looking forward to anything. It’s hard to imagine Christmas being fun (although at least we have a plan now), and it’s hard to think about what it will be like when the baby actually comes along. I suppose on the plus side my short-term focus is stopping me worrying as much I would otherwise.

This isn’t how I thought it would be. I didn’t imagine pregnancy would be so hard on her so quickly – so exhausting, nauseating and utterly disruptive. It’s hard to feel joyful about this, something we’ve waited years and years for, when the immediate impact is so negative. It feels cruel.

On the plus side, we’re still here, and every day that passes is a day closer to things getting better.