Peanut Butter and Disenchantment

My almost husband creates designs in the peanut butter without even realizing that he does it. It doesn't end there. Instead of jamming a knife into the tub of regular butter, he peels off a layer at a time so that it is always smooth across the top. Sometimes I think he was literally created just for me as my perfect match.

These little reminders make my heart flutter. And I feel terrible for my attitude.

I've been cranky and unreasonable for the last two days over things that I shouldn't be letting get to me. Mostly it's about money and the way that once again someone in particular pulled the rug out from under me. I had carefully balanced and planned so that the lean months would be covered, and then this person crafted a plan to ensure I was screwed over.

This is the last time that will happen.

I don't want to believe that it was done consciously, but I know better. I want to deny, just as I denied and denied and denied for so many years.

I am inches away from this problem being resolved. Inches. But it just feels so big and ugly and so, so heavy. I have tried lately to have love in my heart for people who have hurt me, but it's SO hard when they pick at the healing wound. It exposes a little fresh pocket of hurt that requires soothing and bandaging and adds time to the healing process.

I think that my biggest aggravation in life, my largest pet peeve, if you will, is people who try to draw sympathy. Those who play victim. I have so little tolerance for these emotionally draining individuals. Don't they know that they can use their powers for good, not evil? Instead of expending so much energy on self-pity and crafting ways to lash out (believing it will make you feel better?), try channeling that energy into the improvement of your quality of life. Seek out that which makes you happy. Get off your ass. Put the booze down. Open your eyes to the sun. Smell the ocean. Smile. Mean it. Take control of your life. Stop trying to control the lives of others.

Just be a good person.

On this note: I have sadly observed the attempts at balancing a mean streak with fawning over others. It's sickening and manipulative, but worse: I suspect you are mistaking it for strength and growth.

Everyone deserves to be loved. But oh my lord do you ever make it difficult.

I have more work to do, obviously, to get right with the hurt I have felt in my life. I sometimes, ever so quietly, also feel self-pity. And that, I think, is why I am so damn aggravated right now. Because I know better than to sit here and wallow in fear and worry. I'm better than that. You can only hurt me if I let you, and those memories of the past are part of me, part of who I am - but they certainly don't have to trigger this burning behind my eyes and quicken my heart rate. They are merely thoughts. They are powerless until I give them power. They're just memories, and they come unarmed and without malicious intent.

At times I want to stomp my feet and yell out, "I HATE YOU!" Oh, and I have. But really, I don' hate you. I love you because you are human. I love you because of what we shared and still share.

But I really don't like you. And that's okay.

For now, I need to work very hard on bandaging that wound with plenty of soothing medicine on it so that it can get better. There is no great challenge in this. You just do it. You let yourself be loved so that you can heal. You stop being cranky and unreasonable and accept that which you cannot change. The facts are the facts. Deal with them.

You live your life.

All of this from a jar of peanut butter.....