I'm a fine figure of a bird!

Hello! I bet you could hardly see me here hidden behind this pole! I know I haven't been around for ages but I thought I'd better get fit and go on a diet before Christmas. After all, I didn't want anyone to mistake me for a turkey! You have to be especially careful at this time of year. A ruggedly handsome pigeon like me could get trussed up, feathers plucked and find themselves suffering the heat in an oven with a box of Paxo up their arse in the time it takes to say 'Turkey!'

That happened to a cousin of mine, you know? I must admit she smelt delicious especially when the leftovers were made into a curry the next day. I really love curries; vegetable of course. If you fly over the wall of the Indian restaurant up the road, there are often left over bits of curry and poppadoms! Mind you, I have to watch that I don't eat too much. The woman in the house goes mad when I have a dodgy curry and I leave impossible to clean streaks down the windows. Well, I can't help it. I have a very delicate constitution! One onion bhaji too many and I'm pooping everywhere for days!

There's nothing like a good night out with the other boys though. We go dancing and singing by the underpass drinking half empty beer cans and pint glasses left on the wall by the pub, followed by a trip to the Indian restaurant and if you are lucky, you pick up a bird on the way back! I will be more selective this time though. I ended up in a bush with a right old crow last year and I had to hide for 6 months. She came round looking for me and apparently even wanted me to go on the Jeremy Kyle show for a paternity test! No chance! I'd have ended up working my feathers to the bone supporting that lot! Dearie me.....

Track? As I know you had to look very hard to find me today concealed by this post, let's have something by The Searchers! Squawk! See what I did there? - Love Potion No. 9