Ear Me Now

A particular delight around this time of year: flicking through the catalogues of abject tat that seem to come free in every magazine, targeted at over-earnest and proudly practical relatives who believe that every new invention - no matter how inane or useless - is a scientific miracle to buy in bulk and bestow on all and sundry.

My favourite so far this year is the patented ear vacuum. Now you too can spend Christmas Day burrowing into your otic cavity with a battery-powered hoover! With spare attachments provided for your family to suck the gunge out of their own head-holes, you'll all be able to hear every single recrimination and disparaging remark made over the dinner table in glorious surround sound!