Early Morning Sun

Blinded by the sun as I walked up the hill this morning; suited me fine, I couldn’t see anybody which meant they couldn’t see me.

I have been thinking recently of what I am missing out on, this morning I spoke about it with R. She has no answers. Aaaarghh. I am confused, I don’t know what I want. Do I want to get all these things back, or do I want to bail out of life. I know what I think of more.......

Looking at my new tablets this morning I contemplated whether to take them or not. The only thing I could think of was ‘what are the side effects of these going to be’. I can’t see them as a way out of this , of being a help.

I miss;
Laughing
Smiling
Being happy
People/company
Routine
Work/colleagues
Talking about everyday things
Being able to enjoy a coffee
Being able to enjoy a book
Having trivial things in my head
Feeling relaxed, calm and happy
Enjoying food
A full night’s sleep
Motivation and energy
Looking forward
Appreciating the weather/seasons.

I look at that list and then think do I really want all that.
I also want to feel nothing, have no responsibility for myself, and my actions, and my life.

Went for a coffee tea and couldn’t stand watching others engaging in conversation, laughing and generally having a nice Saturday morning; made me feel even worse.

Home to the sanctuary of my flat, but I also don’t want to be staring at these walls yet again.
Confused. Just a bit.