Remember this?

Do you remember your childhood? Do you remember the silly and naive thoughts you had as a little boy or girl? Have you ever stopped to think about the little head you owned back then and looked into it with a new pair of eyes?

As a little child I had it tough. My parents broke up and we moved a lot with my mother. My brother wanted to stay with my father. I never forget this time, from the age of seven to the age of thirteen - still I can't remember anything. I have lost many years of my childhood and the only thing I can remember is the feeling during those years. I felt broken. And as broken I staid for many many years. I think that now when I am 23 I could say that I am totally whole again - of course with many scars and sore places, but still whole. It took a long time, and maybe it still does..

I have been darning myself into one peace for a long time and I have made it with help of other people mostly. It has not been easy and many of my loved ones have been given their own wounds - I am thankful of their sacrifices, because thanks to them I am who I am now.

It is funny always when you tell yourself that now you are ready - now you are an adult. You always end up telling this to yourself again and again and again, but still I think there is some milestones there. Maybe there are just a few of them, but they are different from the others. They are bigger - they are actually real.

It is at the same time frustrating and relieving to look at this picture of myself as little girl and say: "No you have reached a milestone - now you are an adult and ready, at least for now." I love the feeling, the freedom, the lightness, the calmness and relief.. But there is one thing missing.. All the things that I have planned into my future: a husband, children, a house and a garden, a good job and a dog.. ,) Now when I could be ready to take them all and start a this kind of life, it is more difficult than I thought. It pisses me of! ,D