Topman's 1745 collection

IN BIG

My current life is turning into one based on practicality.

I know this because I’m now the proud owner of a fluorescent jacket. But that does stem from the fact that I still don’t drive which means I sometimes have to walk to work. I set out on the cusp of morning darkness and return entirely enveloped in that silky black you get in rural areas, with the only benefit being the brilliance of the Milky Way on my way home.

The downside to this regime, though, is that I have now lost my faith in the existence of the sun. At work the shop faces away from the light. Being surrounded by fridges all day, my body maintains a temperature on the limits of survival and my skin starts to resemble the pork belly I so tenderly laid out in the morning. The windows that should let direct sunlight in are part frosted, so the light becomes diluted to such an extent that it feels cold, as well.

In fact I’m only ever outside when I chuck the bins out, which doesn’t really count. I have to rely on the predictable small talk of the clientele to build a picture of what the outside world might look like. And if someone comes in and announces “sunny oot there the day, cold though!” I feel like saying, “prove it! bring some in, I'm freezing here!"

It' so much like constantly working in a giant fridge, we could probably change the shop's name to SMEG, but that doesn't sound so appetising.