Respite

From all the emotions of this week! I put a brave face on, appear outwardly confident, secure and in control but this time of year is hard! I am reminded of the dreams that were lost when someone I loved very much chose to run away as a solution to protecting me from their mental illness. I cannot blame, I try to understand and forgive but it doesn't take away the hurt or the grief. Often we arecasked to support and recognise that mental illness exists but these requests do not also highlight the plight of those family members, partners and friends who are trying to support those they love and care about. We forget that these people also suffer great pain and anguish whilst we try to help and support often not realising that what we think or do is right, isn't. For various reasons which I am slowly understanding why, thanks to a film that has been released recently, I have found this year to be the hardest yet. However now that I understand I can move on and finally grieve (as my dear sister said yesterday). My life has definitely not taken the paths I envisaged but I guess that is what makes me me and I am proud of all that has been achieved against the odds in a 'life less ordinary' ( to borrow a phrase). Now I can choose to continue to let the past dictate the future and hold on to the fears, mistrust and negativity of the past or I can move on and realise my own self worth. This trip to London, the first pleasure trip, has so far been brilliant in doing just that! There is a certain amount of confidence to be gained from travelling around London, pretending to know where you are going whilst smiling, talking and laughing with strangers! I love the fact that when travelling alone, away from home, I find the gumption to go to pubs by myself, strike up conversations and realise that people are interested. So the challenge is to bottle this confidence and feelings and be the 'Leading Lady' in my life.