Finding my way back

Over the last few weeks I found that my frustrations had been growing and my ability to be optimistic had been weakening. Towards the beginning of this weekend I started to finally pinpoint why that was.

I did the math:
In the last 9 years I have lived on 3 different continents, in 5 different countries/states, in 12 different apartments, with 9 different roommates and still counting. Within all of these different adventures/moves/adjustments...I re-evaluate things all the time trying to understand why I moved, where will I go next, do i want to keep moving, etc. While re-evaluation of one's life path is normal and good, it can be daunting and uncomfortable too.

I started to finally understand that I had/kinda still have lost my understanding of what I'm doing right now and why? Specifically I started to ask myself, "Why the hell am I in Jordan?" AND "What was I thinking with Arabic??"

Not knowing the answers to those questions ruined my motivation to study Arabic or force myself to work as hard. I haven't been feeling productive lately because Arabic class has been moving so fast and has become very overwhelming in density of material we are covering, that the stress has been blocking my understanding of why this is important to me. Not feeling productive to me is the end. Its my end. Feeling productive is essentially what I live for. If I don't feel productive then I don't feel much. (Yes, I am fully aware that I have a perfectionist problem...but productivity is my wheelhouse!)

The stress has been weighing me down. I'm slowly getting back up again and did what I usually do which is feel weird for a bit and then force myself to get up and deal with it head on. Rather then complain about how much Arabic I have and how little time I have to do it. I signed up for a tutor to help me that i will start in a week or so and I spent about 9 hours studying just Arabic today. I go back to class and Mercy Corps tomorrow and start my week again. Its gonna be a crazy week coming up with lots and lots of work....but I feel a little better already today after working so hard and feeling like I was a little productive today.

I'm not a very religious person, but the cross above was given to me from my grandmother when I was around 9 years old or so. She was in the hospital for a long time when I was that age and I remember that one day my mother gave it to me after school and said it was from her. (Its possible I remembering this wrong b/c I have the worst memory with this stuff, but it is the story that I have made up in my head and always seems to be there...so good enough for me!)

Anyways, I wore it today. I wear it sometimes cause it reminds me of her. She has passed now, but she was a "kick butt" kinda lady and so I wear it sometimes as a reminder that she is hanging around telling me to keep going and kinda "protecting" me from those around that will defer me from doing so. I'm not a religious person but I do believe in faith and mostly I believe in my grandma and that she will kick your butt from heaven if you mess with me... hahahaha :)