Blaze - 29/03/89 - 20/10/13

PLEASE NOTE: Neither this blip, nor the ones for the past 4 days, are intended to the morbid or sympathy gathering. They are merely my journal.

There are no words for the pain.

I've been avoiding blip for the past 5 days – too much to say and too hard to do it so I thought I wouldn't bother at all – but when Kiwilizzie asked me if she could blip Blaze’s service card I realised that if blip is truly my photographic journal then the events of the past few days have to be there too.

I really wanted to speak today, and honour my beautiful boy. I couldn't. Instead a close friend read my words to a crowded room.

… I've asked V to read my words. Like others of you here, V has been part of Blaze's life from the day he was born, and in fact was one of the first people to visit him and pay homage to the wonderful child I had given birth to. 24 years later, I was saying to her last night that one of my sorrows of the moment is that I seem to have mislaid all of my memories of those special moments with Blaze. I've loved hearing your memories of him over the past few days: funny stories, serious moments, and those special "Blazeisims".

I could repeat some of those stories to you but they're yours to tell not mine, so what I'll share with you is a picture of how caring blaze was, and the consequences of that caring.

Today is not all about me, but this story starts with me and ends with me. Some of you may not know that when Blaze was ten I was diagnosed with cancer. When I told him about the surgery and chemotherapy, his first question was related to whether or not I was going to die. I assured him I wasn’t and that the doctors would do everything they could to keep me alive. "Good," said Blaze, "I don't want to live without you Mum" Prophetic perhaps - because he hasnt had to.

Well guess what Blaze - you weren't supposed to win that one. A friend told me many years ago at his own child's funeral "You're not supposed to bury your own children; they're supposed to bury you." So you stuffed up Blaze, you were supposed to stick around until after I'd gone. I love you, but you've gotta stop getting stuff like this wrong!

Blaze was the light of my life. My only child. He turned out to be a great person, one I could really like, one whose company I could really enjoy, one I am exceedingly proud of. I thank him for being a part of my life, but I don't know how I'm going to fill this hole he has left in my universe.

Thank you so much to all who came today. It was a privilege to learn that you all held my boy in such high esteem.