Pretty trippy

This is flip flop blip bling. Fairly late in the day I realised I hadn't really got round to thinking blippily, so when I was in a large 'mainly woman and home' store (begins with M and ends with atalan) looking for things to decorate my nest with, the flipflop display caught my eye.

I am a man and therefore possess feet which should not be allowed out, so whilst this sort of thong is marginally less hideous on a male than the other sort, I would never be seen dead in a sandal (even if it got called a 'sports sandal' - to me that is an oxymoron if ever there was one. I don't know how people can walk in these things, never mind run).

I'm not the first blipper to discuss female footwear fetishes, but the degree to which this year's selection of flipflops had been 'pimped' was amazing - made me think of that Paul Simon song. It used to be such a basic item, used for avoiding dog-poo-between-toes on hot tacky beaches. Some of them had cheese wedge heels you could chock aircraft wheels with.

Someone needs to invent a shoe that has all the advantages of the thong (airy, light, al fresco) with none of the disadvantages (hairy toes on view, increased risk of neck snappage). My feet today were like two well-steamed hams by the time I got home.

One of the great things about being a bloke is that you can vicariously and incredulously enjoy the follies of the fairer sex without having to go through the hell of it in person. I popped round to my friend L's for a nightcap and she showed me her "****-me pumps" - totally impractical for anything bar a porno shoot and as she is already 6 foot tall, quite ridiculous - but they were bought for her boyfriend to enjoy (and apparently have the desired effect). Personally, I'd rather have a girlfriend with functioning ankles.

The down side of blokedom is that when I was looking at throw cushions (an admission in itself) I had to suppress my attraction to the shocking pink ones, because being that in touch with one's feminine side in public is a no-no. I might as well have cracked open the compact and danced round my handbag. So the girliest thing I bought was some tealights, cancelled out by some solar garden lights. Og make fire.