Update my fluffy arse, if you can

I've f****g had it. 
Go away Microsoft, just.... GO AWAY! 
There is nothing for me in your monthly updates that incapacitate my two vintage PCs once a month. 
You can f*** right off! I know what you are up to. 
And no I won't back up my files in the cloud (how safe can a fluffy puff of condensation  be?) and pay you a seemingly modest monthly fee for the privilege. I know full well what the lifetime cost is. 
You can stick it up your greedy corporate @rse! 

(I still update the Microsoft Defender definitions, mind)