Remo Williams: Unarmed and Dangerous

A decent cop who got badly beaten in the line of duty wakes up in hospital to find that he's been given plastic surgery.  

COP:  Hey!  You'd better have a good reason for rearranging my face!
MAN:  We do.  You were ugly.

"Man" turns out to be a representative for a top-secret organisation who tells the cop his identity has been erased.  "You are now Remo Williams" he announces, reading the manufacturer name and location off a bedpan.  "A lot of thought went into that name."  

It turns out that "Remo" has been recruited in order to become an assassin of those beyond the reach of the law.  But first he must take instruction from Korean martial arts expert Chiun, who complains that Remo moves like a pregnant yak and smells of hamburger.

CHIUN:  First, put hands behind head!
(Remo does so - Chiun punches him in the stomach)
CHIUN:  I did not say leave them there!  Your reflexes are terrible!

So things don't start too well.  But eventually Chiun teaches Remo the secret of dodging bullets, balancing on impossible ledges and telling time without a watch -

CHIUN:  The trained mind does not need a watch. Watches are a confidence trick invented by the Swiss. 

You may have gathered that this is my favourite part of the film.  Remo (played by Fred "Tremors" Ward) and Chiun (played by Joel "Cabaret" Grey) have a great rapport, and Chiun - a grumpy aged master who loves daytime soap operas - gets all the best lines.  Sadly, the second half of the film is a bit of a let-down as Remo gets to use his new talents for real.  After a thrilling fight on top of the Statue of Liberty (which makes the one from X-Men look a bit rubbish) the story gets slowed down by boring villains and underwhelming action sequences - it's like they ran out of money or something.

Still, the charm of Fred and Joel is enough to carry you to the end with a smile on your face.  Plus, the bullet dodging (with none of those wussy bullet-time Matrix effects) is really cool, and Remo's battle of wits with three dobermans is a hoot.  In America the film is known as "Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins" but sadly, the film failed and the adventure never continued.  I think this is due to when it came out (the mid 80's).  I think it feels much more like the campy comic-book tv shows of the 60's like "The Man From UNCLE" or "The Avengers".  So if you like that sort of thing, you'll love this.  8/10

REMO:   You know, Chiun, you're a real pain in the ass. 
CHIUN:   That is because it is the fastest way to your brain.