The Lightening Strike

As you know, this is my current song obsession. I think I mention it or try to get you to listen to it in every other Blip.

I don't know what to write here. I asked for help today. I told my therapist I was not OK and that it was not going to fix itself. I immediately felt bad, as if I should assure her that I was really overall fine and it would be OK. I fought the urge. I think that since I've moved here I've really fought depression, there is just something about this city that induces it. It's so weird, because people talk about it all the time and I always disregarded them. However, I can see that I am battling some big dark clouds, and even if my depression looks like most people's best day, it feels dark to me. I am finally in a place where I value myself enough to say that unapologetically and without guilt.

I talked the the Life Raft for a long time today. That one. He called it honesty Wednesday and it was. With everyone. Coworkers, him, friends, therapist... I continue to question whether my deep conviction that everything needs to be on the table is the best one. I can only say, at this point in life I don't know another way to live and I still believe it's better in the end. I did it so much today in so many different ways that my brain is dead and my heart has that overworked totally numb feeling.

I managed to get to the end of the day without finishing a meal or my glass of wine, but I did spend a ridiculous amount of time eating seedED grapes. Argh. What a ridiculous waste. I'll never get that time back. Seriously? THREE seeds in every little pod. So inefficient. Now I am eating and apple and trying to finish my wine. Apples and wine are not a good combination, but neither was the baby corn and Diet Coke that I had as an appetizer. I thought as I finished the apple, if I eat like this normally, what in the world would I crave if I was ever pregnant?

In the end the verse following my favorite verse in the Lightening Strikes spoke to me tonight... The other one talks about feeling our worth, and floods, and life rafts and God's tears falling and forming basins to scoop the water... then comes this;

As motionless cars rust on driveways and curbs
You take off your raincoat and stretch out your arms
We both laugh out loud and surrender to it
The sheer force of sky and the cold magnet Earth

The rain does not seem to be letting up. I think it's time to take off my rain coat, laugh and surrender to it.
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This is the unfinished wine. Covered with a coaster. The fruit flies wanted me to share with them. Please imagine my scrunched nose as I write this. So, I beat them at their own game and thought of Tapas and how this is how they were named. As the Spaniards served Sangria the fruit flies would try to partake, so they would cover their wine with a small plate and eat their appetizers off the top. Ha. Brilliant.