Into the Golden Woods

I was having one of those dark days. They crop up from time to time. I don't talk about it a lot, because I want mostly to emphasize my gratitude. But losing my parents has been very hard on me, for we were a very close and loving family. And to lose BOTH of them at once, all in a flash. Yay for them. (But yeah, it sucks to be me.)

And my big sister, too: summer has come and gone, and I didn't get to see her and have our usual summer beach adventures! To add insult to injury, I've been reading a book about a Scottish bicycle guy traveling the world with his cat; somehow, the story (which is a good one, and well told) made me miss our cat Dexter even more, and feel really bad (again) about him being gone.

I try not to think about these things too much, or all of the time, which is tempting. But when I do, these losses are like a big black hole, waiting to suck me in. I see that big black hole and I shy away from it. It is paralyzing darkness. I try not to think, or feel. I try to just BE, find something to occupy my mind and heart until that feeling passes.

I have also been so upset by recent weather events, in particular the situation in North Carolina, where my dear friend lives. I am glued to the Internet, watching horrible video and news report after horrible video and news report. It is a terrible feeling, to know that ones you love are suffering and there is little you can do. No food. No water. No electricity. No access to medications, or help. The last story said: things there are much, MUCH worse than anyone can ever know. That one did me in.

So I punted. I did a thing that often makes me feel better: I went to the woods. It's been raining for about 10 days here. Long, soaking rains, every single day. If not the full-on rain, there is endless drizzle. It looks like it's on its way out, but then, like an unwanted guest, it stays on just a few days longer. It's starting to get to me, all these days with no sunshine to lift us up and out of it. I can't even ride my bike.

We didn't get a last swim in; all of the state park beaches are closed now. A few closed early because of all the rain. Bummer. I've been swimming about once or twice a week all summer (28 swims, but who's counting!); it depresses me when all of that comes to an end. A screeching halt, in this case. Our last swim was at Canoe Creek: a perfect summer day.

But the news from the woods is that there is gold there, and maybe even hope. My husband and I walked up Tow Hill, to the Scotia Barrens. It was about 58 degrees F. He was wearing a Gore-Tex parka that he was crowing about; in the end, it made him too hot; he had to take it off, even in the rain. 

I was wearing a long-sleeve shirt, shorts, and my new Scarpa Gore-Tex trail-running shoe, and carrying an umbrella. Field testing the gear, take 2. It was a very successful outing; what a great shoe. I can tell we are going to be fast friends. I felt like a TANK on the trails. Unstoppable.

I also discovered something fun about the new shoe: it has a little pouchy thing up front that you can tuck your laces into, so they don't keep untying! I did not notice it before this, but today, I did, and I found it charming. Such a cute little detail! Hello, little pouchy thing, come to Mama!

The woods didn't solve all my problems. Nor did having a cool new shoe. But they both made me feel a little bit BETTER. I stood at the top of the knife edge and looked back at the woods behind me, and took this shot. The colors were luminous in the rain. I echo the words of our ancestors: There's GOLD in them there hills! 

I looked down at my feet, relished the firm stance the new shoe gave me. Thought for a second: I am UNSTOPPABLE! And maybe I am. But perhaps only on some days. Take it for what it is worth; in the face of great darkness (and believe me, there is plenty of THAT), seek out and hold onto the golden glories of each day.

For my soundtrack song . . . well, I have two of them. The first is for the darkness that I try, every day, to keep at bay: here is Disturbed, with The Sound of Silence. The second song is for the unstoppable being who lives inside each and every one of us, who tries to be happy anyway, in spite of it all: Sia, with Unstoppable (the Wonder Woman version).