Continued....

The dog opened one eye, yawned and immediately went back to sleep.

'Why on earth are you carrying the dog?' I yelled. 'I thought he was dead!'

"Of course he's not dead! It's three in the morning for goodness sake. The wee soul's dog tired!' My mother (for it was she) gave that tinkly laugh thing she does in front of people she's trying to impress.

'Yes I know it's three in the bloody morning. So what,' I hissed 'are you doing in my kitchen with a complete stranger?'

'He's not a stranger. George' she nodded to the hairy one who was now dismantling my toaster with a corkscrew 'and I were out dancing. We were going back to mine for a quick...'

'Nooooo. Do not finish that sentence!'

'....bacon sandwich, but I realised I'd picked up your house keys instead of mine. So here we are,' she trilled happily 'having a lovely impromptu party with you and H.'

Later on when George had gone, and my mother was asleep in the spare room, I asked H would he defend me in court if I accidentally smothered my mother with a pillow.

'Of course I would,' he said happily. 'You'd be my first client to commit mattresside....'