Reflections

Bean and I never did get out for a walk yesterday: it was just too cold and wet. So we made up for it with two walks today, the first of which was at Bortons Pond.

We saw not a soul. Perfect.

The sun didn't quite come out, but there was enough blue sky to be promising. And the reflections were lovely.

Once home again I got stuck into making a Gruyere cheese, and while the curds were setting we had our second walk; this time along to Paradise Gully Road. 

There was no sign of Wee Jock and his pipes today. I hope he reappears sometime soon.

In the other gaps in the cheesemaking process I have been ordering all my eureka moment thoughts I had about my mother last week. I have written screeds in my diary in the last few days and it has helped me understand a lot of things. 

Many of the sentences I have written start with two words: "No wonder..." So many things now make sense, now have an explanation, and I now understand.

What was the revelation which has led to this enlightenment? It is the fact that my mother regarded everything I did, or didn't do; everything I said, or didn't say, as a direct reflection of herself. She took ownership of my behaviour. 

She was from the school of children being seen and not heard. I was naturally enthusiastically inquisitive and confident. It was inevitable we would clash. 

Unfortunately she deployed what amounted to emotional abuse all my life in her attempts to influence me. And all these years I believed that there was something wrong with me, that I was a horrible daughter. 

Now I know I really wasn't. I did my best without losing my soul. Sadly my true self was never acceptable to my mother. 

Amazingly my father was the opposite. He encouraged and supported me in all things. Thank goodness.

This is a very truncated explanation of what has been whizzing around in my brain. I wanted to share it because I know that my Blip a week ago resonated with so many people. It is never too late to find understanding....and through understanding, some peace.

And this is the reason I've been a bit absent from your Blips for a while. My head has been brimming...