Better Than You Know What

My Dear Princess and Dear Fellow,

I woke up with a bunged ear. 

Does this ever happen to you? If you are a middle-aged, nearing elderly, golden years chap I expect the answer is "yes".

It's annoying. And even if you try to turn your finger into a plunger and somehow dislodge the bung it generally makes things worse. 

I was annoyed. 

But Caro recently found a new ear clinic on the Kapiti Community Facebook page*. She told me I should try to get an appointment. And what do you know - they had a free slot at 1pm.

The South African** lady at the clinic was so nice. She asked lots of questions and took pictures of the inside of my ear.

"Is it weird that I had an urge to smile?" I asked her.

She showed me the pictures as if by way of punishment. It looked like a picture of the sun from space. The big yellow glowing thing was the bung. But she revealed I was bunged on BOTH sides. 

"The one in your right ear is HARD," she told me. "This is why you don't feel it so much. I might have to soften it first, it's a good thing we have an hour."

Wow. 

So she got stuck in with her tiny ear-vacuum. It is very noisy and makes a noise like this:

WHEEEEEEESSHHHHHLOOOOORPSHLLLOOOOPPPSHLOOOP 

And then there's the sensation. It feels like grasping hands being pulled away. Like TENTACLES being removed. But in your EAR. From places in your ear where you didn't even know you HAD places.

It is AMAZING.

It is BETTER THAN SEX. 

I'M NOT EVEN JOKING. 

I WANTED TO PURRRRRRR.

"Oh," said the South African lady. "I didn't have to soften it. We're all done." 

She sounded very disappointed. To be honest, I was a bit bummed about it too. I wanted the feeling to go on FOREVER. 

So five minutes later I was left with a clear ear feeling and slight case of tinnitus (that vacuum is LOUD) but mostly feeling great. 

And then I got back home to find out that Jacob Rees-Mogg had lost his seat. And that felt nearly as good as having both ears vacuumed.

S.

* She loves that thing. It is full of pictures of missing cats and warnings about youths. 

** She had an accent, but more importantly she said, "NO MAN" to me at one point. Only Saffies "NO MAN" you.