MonoMay 18

The Funeral

George stood back watching them at the graveside. He was learning a lot from his funeral. He was seeing the hypocritical side of the villagers now, although he had long suspected many of them as being such. He had never fitted in from the point that he came to live here forty years ago. The problem was that he was from another village a few miles along the coast, not to mention that he had married a local girl. Now this was going to be interesting, they were lining up to say what they were thinking. It was a sort of tradition in this part of Cornwall that each person in turn stood by the grave and said something about the deceased. Jim was going to be first, now there was a surprise, not.
‘George was a good bloke, salt of the earth, he would do anything for anyone, he will be missed.’
George stood behind him
‘You’re a fucking hypocrite Jim. You never liked me, so don’t pretend, say what you really think. How about you come and join me on my journey then.’
Jim turned so fast that he lost his footing and fell into the grave. A couple of the others helped him back out and asked what happened.
‘I thought I felt someone behind me.’ Jim said, afraid to say he heard a voice.
They all said that there had been no one behind him, but that they had all felt a slight breeze as he fell.

Andrea was next up to say her piece. She stood there for a minute looking around, and composing her thoughts.
‘We all loved George, at least I did, But he never took any notice of me, never gave any sign that he liked me at all.’
George smiled, he whispered in her ear
‘Liar! You behaved like a bitch on heat around me, all you ever wanted was for me to fuck you. If I had you would have been off in search of the next victim within five minutes.’
She fainted, at least she pretended to, George knew better. He continued
‘Look at your sister, Carol knows, see her tears. Now we loved each other, and had been having an affair for years. Nobody, not even you, knew about it.’
‘Get away from me!’ she screamed.
Two women tried to calm her, telling her that there was no one near her.
‘He was talking to me, he called me a bitch on heat.’
‘First truth I have heard this morning.’ came a voice.
Everyone looked around, but it was unclear who had spoken.

Leslie was up next, now if anyone was going to tell the truth it would be her. She was not one to mince her words, even though there was a coolness towards George they got on reasonably well.
‘Well, Jim said that George was the salt of the earth, he wasn’t. But we all know Jim never spoke ill of the dead, just a shame he doesn’t apply it to the living. Andrea said that he called her a bitch on heat. Well, we all know Andrea, and I think it was an understatement, I don’t think there’s a husband in the village that she hasn’t fucked at some point.’
I had been watching the faces, Jim and Andrea were furious to say the least, but there was no way that they would get the better of Leslie. She wasn’t finished.
‘George never really fitted in, even though he had married a local girl and lived here forty years. That wasn’t his fault, it was ours. Because he came from Pentreath around the coast we all took against him, well most of us did. He wasn’t a bad man, and he wasn’t a particularly good man. Like all of us he did his best, kept himself to himself, and never said a bad word about anyone, that is unless they deserved it.’
‘Thank you Leslie.’ George whispered.
He knew she had heard him, but there was no way that she was going to react, well, not physically at least.
‘George, you were often a pain in the arse when alive, and I suspect that you are going to be an even bigger pain in the arse now you’re dead.’
‘You tell ‘em gel.’ That disembodied voice again.
The voice sounded somewhat familiar, he looked around again, but there was no one, at least no one that he didn’t know.

George knew they would all be heading for The Blue Anchor soon, and decided he would have some more fun there. They were not going to forget him in a hurry. No one else seemed in a hurry to step up and speak. George could think of two reasons, first that they weren’t quite sure what had happened to Jim and Andrea, and second no one wanted to piss Leslie off any further than she already was. He watched as they all started to head for the pub most of them would need alcohol to get their heads around the strange events of the funeral.
‘Finally decided to join us then George?’ That disembodied voice again, suddenly he could see who spoke.
‘Kim you old bastard, you could give a bloke a heart attack like that.’
‘I’m not sure it is possible to give a dead person a heart attack. Just came to tell you a couple of things. First, no one can see you unless you want them to, then only the person you want to see you. Second you can miss nothing as you can move backwards and forwards in time, but only between the time of your death and the present moment. Now, go and enjoy winding them up, I think you have worked out that they can hear you. Again it is only those you want to hear you that can.’
George passed into the function room, and appreciated not having to open the door. The first thing he saw was Jim having a go at Leslie, he moved closer.

Jim was obviously angry with Leslie, George was unsurprised.
‘…and what the fuck did you mean by him being an even bigger pain in the arse now that he’s dead?’
‘He is still here, and is listening to every conversation, he’s watching, and he’s going to have some fun if I am not mistaken.’
‘That’s so much bollocks, no such thing as ghosts.’
‘No? I’m betting that he called you a fucking hypocrite, he always thought you were, the same as he called Andrea a bitch in heat, and thanked me for telling the truth.’
‘Rubbish, people’s minds play tricks at such times.’
George couldn’t resist, this time he allowed Leslie to hear him as well.
‘Is that so Jim? Your mind playing tricks now then? You haven’t even had a drink yet, so you can’t blame the beer.’
Leslie laughed.
‘Still not a believer Jim? Even I heard that, maybe you need a good stiff double to bring some colour back.’
She looked around.
“Well George, you know you can’t wind me up so don’t bother trying, I’m no fun, and you know it.
He didn’t bother to respond, he knew Leslie was as straight as anyone from this village could be.

George decided to hang around for a minute when he saw Andrea heading towards Leslie.
‘Just what the fuck did you mean out there just now then?’
‘Oh, come off it Andrea, we all know you, and we all know you would fuck a frog if it had a big enough prick.’
She was about to slap Leslie when George said
‘Not a good idea Andrea, slap her and you’ll get it back twice as hard, and you know it.’
‘Who, said that?’
Leslie laughed again.
‘George I suspect, I think he is planning to have a lot of fun with you.’
‘Oh, fuck off Leslie, we all know there’s no such thing as ghosts.’
George was tempted to show himself, but not yet he thought I will choose my time and place.
‘Oh, Andrea, such scepticism,’ he said, ‘got Billy the butcher into your bed yet, I might pop round to watch one evening.’
Andrea screamed and fainted, again, or at least made a pretence of fainting. George could see Leslie grinning.
‘What was it then Andrea, did he tell you something that was supposed to be a secret, who is it this time then?’
‘None of your fucking business you nosy cow.’
‘Not really interested, I’m sure George would tell me if I asked him.’