While I was in The Land of Nod, Caro had her Note Book out. This is always a scary thing. Caro getting organised is a like Napoleon preparing for war. She was essentially mapping out each of our days in Sydney with things to do. Monday was assigned to Darling Harbour. To get there, you take the underground ("Which way?" "This way I think." "No, hang on - back here...") to Town Hall then hop on the Monorail. The monorail is a purely tourist thing, of no real value to the Sydneysiders, but it is a lot of fun to ride on. And as I surveyed the modern, culturally diverse, post-Olympic Sydney of 2001, I surmised that the Australians have finally thrown off that gauche, colonial image they have had so long and replaced it with a modern, sophisticated nay, stylish new image. Then the monorail pulled out and as a familiar voice poured out over the speaker system I realised how full of shit I can often be... 

Watch me wallabies feed, mate, 
Watch me wallabies feed, 
They're a dangerous breed, mate 
So watch me wallabies feed.

Yes! It was that timeless ode to animal cruelty! An American sitting opposite us wailed, "I just left the UK to get AWAY from this song!!"

All Together Now!! 

Tie me kangaroo down, sport, 
Tie me kangaroo down, 
Tie me kangaroo down, sport, 
Tie me kangaroo down!

That wasn't the only Aussie song we were treated to by the way. There was also a very bizarre song in which Rolf was accompanied by his dog, Wag... 

Oh I love to have a dance with Waggy (woof) 
I love to have a dance with Wag (woof) 
We dance all over the country (woof) 
And he carries his bowl in a brown paper bag, 
We dance in the Town and County (woof) 
Where the music's really great (woof-woof) 
Oh I love to have a dance with Waggy (woof) 
'Cos Waggy is me mate (bow-wow!)

There was also a version of "Six Months in a Leaky Boat" which I'm sure was only there to REALLY ANNOY all Kiwis as an Aussie bloke massacred a Split Enz song (amusingly interspersed with lots of cries of "Arrrrr!  Me hearties!!" and so forth). However, the musical interlude was brought to an end by our arrival at the Aquarium. Now we've both seen our fair share of this sort of thing but I have to say that Sydney Aquarium is really spectacular, with a diverse and interesting range of exhibits from the strikingly beautiful coral reef fish to the bloody ugly moray eel. 

"I wouldn't like to stand on that," observed Caro. 

This strikes me as a pretty useful measure for how you feel about an animal.  When deciding how pleasant or unpleasant a creature is, just ask yourself: Would you like to step on it? I wouldn't want to step on a moray eel either. Neither would I care to step on a jellyfish. (Although they are beautiful, they are hideous and squishy at the same time, and look far too much like living snot for my liking.)  On the other hand I wouldn't mind stepping on a penguin. Or indeed the adorable platypuss, who had his own little enclosure. 

The platypuss is a lovely little creature. Even if he does look totally unreal. I'm still not convinced that the platypuss isn't in fact just a hoax. I suspect the platypuss is actually just an otter having a laugh, who has crazy-glued a duckbill to his head.   But as it turns out - you WOULDN'T want to step on a platypuss because the platypuss is VENOMOUS.  What a dirty trick! The Rules, as far as I am aware, insist that all venomous creatures are either coloured yellow and black, or are slippery, slimy, ugly and hideous or have eight legs and as many eyes.  It just isn't DONE for a little cutie like the playpuss to be poisonous!  It's like finding out that your sweet little kitten is carrying a switchblade, or your puppy has learned to use a gun. 

Moving swiftly on, we said hi to the lazy seals who flopped about, having a bit of a scratch and opening and closing their nostrils at us by way of greeting and then moved on to the vast underground aquariums where they keep the Tiger Shark, The Reef Shark and The Big Fucking Shark. The BFS cruised over our heads, teeth bared and eyeing us with a look that said, "So near... so near..." We hurried on through the aquarium before he returned with a glass cutter.