Oz Experience

Our desination on the second day was to be Hall's Gap in the heart of the Grampians where a $3 million Eco-Hostel had just been built. It had all sorts of environmentally-friendly features such as recycling the shower water to use in the toilets. "Good thing it's not the other way around," commented Caro. 

It was really cool - like a very plush hotel with lovely lounges and a modern kitchen and strict no-toilets-in-the-corner policy. Rosco himself made dinner for us, a fabulous pumpkin soup with garlic bread. If the driving doesn't pan out for him, I reckon he could easily get a job in catering. Once again we sat with Ann and Kim, and Rosco as well and had a bit of a laugh. Kim was telling us about how some very badly-dressed guy had been stalking her in Australia, desperate for a date, but unable to ask. 

She didn't seem to have that much luck in this department. She told another story about jogging in the USA, when a car suddenly pulled over in her path and a guy she knew from school hopped out, and asked her for her number. 

"Now this guy had spent time in PRISON for inventing a date-rape drug," Kim explained. "And he's talking to me like, 'Hey, how's it going?' I mean - what am I supposed to say. 'Good - how's it going with you? Are you on day-release or did you make parole? Cool bracelet on your ankle by the way!!'" 

So she had cleverly thrown him off, by GIVING him her number, but transposing two numbers! Smart eh? "But the dickhead wrote it down wrong and switched 'em BACK!" she complained. I don't know if he ever called her.  If he did, it might explain what she's doing on the other side of the world. 

Actually both Ann and Kim were in Sydney studying, and explained to us that the tour was just something to do in the Easter break. Meanwhile, it appeared that Jenna was doing a course in environment conservation or conservative environmentalism or some such, and her whole time in Oz was part of the course. She too, had spent time on Kangaroo Island, studying the wildlife. And she too had AN EXCITING TIGER SNAKE STORY... 

JENNA'S EXCITING TIGER SNAKE STORY 
So Jenna was working on Kangaroo Island, when she and the guy she was working with got a call about an injured echidna. They drove out to pick it up and came across a snake that had been run over. But REALLY run over - not just "flat" like Radaha's snake. But it was just the part near the tail that was squished and the snake was still moving about and would probably recover if it received attention. The guy grabbed the snake (number four on the Lethal Reptiles of Australia List, remember) and told Jenna that she could drive while he held it. "But this is a shift car, on the wrong side of the road," she protested. So, in the end, the guy ended up shifting the gears and moving the pedals while Jenna held the wheel and the guy dangled the snake out of the window. 

"All this on the wrong side of the road," she added. 

As I've said, up until now I'd felt it was a girl's group. That's ok. Quite frankly I find women more interesting to listen to anyway, but women don't know this and so clam up a bit around me. Doubtless thinking I would rather be discussing football or car transmissions or some other such boring shit. But anyway, I felt like I'd been welcomed into the group when Caro told them how proud she'd been of me the previous day when I'd made, "his first bitchy comment." 

It's true. It had been directed at one of the young guys at the front of the coach who went around wearing a bandana. All right, you might say, slightly posey, but so what? I'll tell you what, matey - it was ELASTICATED. Now, I'm hardly Mr. Fashion myself but I know that an elasticated bandana is NEARLY a clip-on tie, or just one geek short of total nerddom, if you will. "OH MY GOD, YES!!" the AmeriChicks agreed. They'd been sniggering about it all day too - well, let's face it - if I notice a fashion faux-pas, it must be pretty glaring. 

I suppose that now I've gone on about everyone at length, I should describe them a bit more. Rosco was a hugely funny Ozzie bloke who drew very good cartoons and sort of resembled a cartoon character himself. I would say that he resembled Custard the Cat with his huge mischeivous grin, or possibly one of Captain Pugwash's pirates. (Actually, he had once been a poster boy when someone took a picture of him looking like a pirate, "I had a tan, and was wearing a white shirt with lots of the buttons open, and I had an earring at that time.) In Rosco's past, he had also come second in a beauty contest while wearing a pink leotard and tutu and claimed that he would look fabulous in a thong, but that he would have to get a "back-crack and sack wax" for that. 

Quite frankly, I prefer not to dwell on such things. 

Rosco also did a mean Pepe Le Peu impression. ("I can speak a few words of French: 'Kom awah weez me to ze kaz-baaah beh-bee'.") Among other stories, he told us how he was once getting his head shaved with the clippers broke down, leaving him with two tufts of hair on either side of his head; completely delighted by this, he went off to pick up a busful of tourists, "looking like Krusty the Clown". 

These are but a handful of Rosco stories; I feel I have only scratched the surface of the man. Some of you may be grateful for this.

Ann and Kim were extremely sophisticated and funny Chicago gals, very stylish and with a rather cynical sense of humour. Kim was definitely The Leader, rattling off stories and fixing you with a piercing grey stare. Ann subtly interjected put-downs and sourly funny comments. Meanwhile, Jenna was seemingly very shy and sweet, but in fact turned out to be extremely naughty and very funny. 

The example of this is when she turned to Anthony and asked him "What that red thing was on his head." The poor guy assumed he had some left over dinner on his face and spent a minute examining himself before the howls of laughter from our group alerted him that she meant the bandana.

We decided to adjourn outdoors (well, Caro did - nicotine levels running low and all that) and to Ann's great delight, she spotted a possum. He was walking along the top of a telephone wire - she rushed over to where he was and FLASH!!! The whole night sky was lit up. And the possum was completely paralysed. 

"Oh my god!" she asked me. "Do you think I killed him?" 

"Jesus!" said Rosco, roaring with laughter, "he's a nocturnal creature. His pupils must have been like dinner plates and then you let a flash off in his face?!" 

At that, the possum swung precariously round the bottom of the wire and fell off into a bush. Ann suffered paroxysms of guilt for the rest of the trip whenever the word "possum" was mentioned. (We all made sure to mention it quite often)  As for Rosco, he went off on a "Tango and Cash" wire-sliding tangent from which it was impossible to rescue him. Meanwhile, Caro and Kim's attention was distracted by the fact that Jenna had hooked up with some guy from Melbourne. 

They were frustrated by the fact that they could only see what was going on, and were desperately trying to translate the body language. It was just like a real-life episode of "Big Brother". 

Then Rosco told us the DISTURBING TRUTH about Mount Gambier jail. It seems that the place is INDEED haunted. He told the story of an aboriginal guy who created a disturbance all night, crying out, "The brothers are walking! The brothers are walking!" He wouldn't shut up until he was moved to a different cell, whereupon he quickly quietened down. It seemed (and here's where I hold the literary flashlight under my chin) 

THAT AN ABORIGINE HAD DIED IN THAT VERY CELL WHILE IN CUSTODY 

(Jarring chord). 

Rosco also said there were several guys buried under the jail standing up and facing in so that their souls COULD NEVER LEAVE. Gulp. I'm glad he told us this after we had left.