Email from OrkneyCaro

Hi guys,

Thanks for the latest news, as always, and glad to hear you were away from New York when it all hit the skids. Memphis sounded cool and kitsch. Gareth came back from Graceland with an Elvis mouse mat and fridge magnet - very hip.

Symon - thanks for reproducing my poo story - I'm sure I emailed you back to say it was fine to use it, but you obviously you didn't get it. Sorry, anyway, it's cool with me, and I feel quite privileged really! I've got another one for you actually - my friend Vanessa, who's a nurse, was in Edinburgh at the weekend and regaled a fantastic, albeit quite gross, poo story. 

Nurses always have the BEST poo and vomit stories! Anyway, apparently when some people are getting a certain operation they have to have this enema type thing where they are given a liquid of some kind and it basically rushes through them and cleans them out, big stylee. 

She works on the eye ward where they don't usually have to administer these things,but they had an old boy in who needed one. So, he duly was given his bowel-cleansing stuff, which did the trick apparently. BUT, when you have one of these you're not supposed to have anything to eat for a day or so after it and some idiot ordered him a soft tea (that's what Vanessa called it) of mince and tatties. He ate it, oblivious to the fact that he shouldn't, poor old thing. 

Vanessa said shortly after she was checking on him and he was looking a might startled and uncomfortable and said he had to go to the toilet. She accompanied him there, saw him in and left him to it, as it were, unaware that he'd had some food. A short while later the emergency bell from the toilet went off, so she rushed round to make sure he was OK. 

She stepped in and said she had never seen anything like it - there was poo splashed all up the wall behind the toilet and, get this, dripping from the roof!! She's not one to exaggerate as well, so I believe her description. This poor old guy was sitting there,mightily embarassed and quite perplexed by the explosion that had come from his botty! 

He'd obviously not had much time to sit down and had pooed with such force that it hit the bowl and splashed right back up.Vanessa said she had to restrain herself from going "holy f*ck!" and try not to make him feel any more uncomfortable than he already did. He'd vainly tried to clean it up with some toilet roll, but the walls and the roof were something else!

Anyway, there's another one for your collection, and if you want any more I suggest just asking any nurse you meet to tell you their best. They've all got them!

Life with us is the usual. Ticking along, socialising and trying to find some 'quality time together'. Gareth is away to Shetland today as a guest storyteller in the first Shetland storytelling Festival. He phoned tonight to say so far, so good. Apparently he was on Radio Shetland this evening. Oh, the dizzy heights of fame! It's great experience for him, and I think he'll have a fab time. He's there until next Monday and will be going round a few of the islands to tell at schools and then doing gigs and ceilidhs at night. I'd love to have gone too, but it would cost too much to fly there and stay there for almost a week.

We've got friends leaving this Saturday to travel for a year,so have been getting pissed with them and saying goodbye. It's their final leaving party tomorrow night, but I won't be having a big one. They were round last night for a meal and we ended up sinking about 2 bottles of wine each.I can't remember them leaving, had a big fight with Gareth,which I can't remember, and woke up on the sofa at 5.45 this morning. Great fun. I had to take a sicky today as there was no way I could get to work, or even drive, so feeling a bit sorry for myself! Other friends have just had a baby, so their social life is obviously down the toilet! Everyone's leaving us, so it's a bit sad really, but they're going to have a blast travelling and have both been working really hard.

Wedding plans are taking shape, so put 3 May, 2002 in your diaries, in big letters, my loves. We'd love to have you there, so hopefully you can make it. Good friends of mine at home have a big, three-bedroomed flat in Kirkwall and have said they'll put some people up for us, so I was thinking of putting young, hip dudes like yourselves with them. They're a great couple, very laid-back and enjoy a smoke, so are easy to live with.
I'm going to be shopping for my dress soon Caro, which should be a laugh. I'm going to try on proper, white meringues for a hoot, just to see what I look like, but will hopefully opt for something less traditional and a damn sight cheaper for the final thing!

Well, guys, it's nearly my bedtime, so I'll sign off for now, and try and get a decent night's sleep instead of an alcohol-induced coma! When are you leaving America? Are you still going to Mehico and Cuba? Do you know when you'll be back in this country? So many question . . .

Oh, I've finally managed to organise Fi, Chris and Davina for drinks next week! Only taken about a month, but we'll have a drink for you both. continue to enjoy your travels, and keep those epic emails coming!
Take care, looking forward to seeing you soon.

hugs, Caroline

xxxxxxx