Deep Blue Seafood

This was my very last day working for Standard Life. 

Standard Life was a huge part of my working life. I worked there (on and off) from July 1995, which is nearly 20 years. 

It's so ingrained in me that I still think of wherever my current job is as "Standard Life", no matter where I am. 

From this picture though, it also looks like the day when Caro and I were invited around to Laura and Andy's for dinner. Andy had just completed his Vietnamese cookery course and wanted to practice on us. 

Unfortunately it was mainly Vietnamese seafood that he'd learned to cook. I'm sure it was lovely, but to me all seafood just tastes of rubber. 

I did my best and made enthusiastic noises. And I appreciated the thought. 

But here is my last-ever review written for the Standard Life Movie Club. It was also a big part of my life and led to making many lovely new friends. I miss it still. 

Kenny Mathieson gave me access to the Movi1999 issue file 15 years ago.  A few months later he complained that he didn’t know what he’d started.

Deep Blue Sea
The very first film I ever reviewed was “Deep Blue Sea”.  In the film, a clever scientist played by Saffron Burrows creates a bunch of genetically-modified sharks.  

She does this by splicing their DNA with that of someone intellectual like Johnny Ball or Carol Vordermann or suchlike.  As a result, the sharks develop intelligence equal that of Donald Trump or one of those Yorkshire Terriers that go around barking at doorstops on YouTube.

Incidentally, I think the male audience is supposed to fancy Saffron because she is skinny and has lips but unfortunately for her she also has one of those smug, plummy accents that make every syllable sound like, “I am cleverer than you are and also you smell of poo”.  So it didn’t work for me, and anyway her super-sharks use their super-intelligence to eat people and run amok.  Or actually SWIM amok, because they do not have legs.  That would be RIDICULOUS. 

(Although just to be on the safe side, the titles “Sharks With Legs”, “Sharks Afoot” and “The Sharky Centipede” are now copyrighted by me, so take note Syfy Channel.)

I saw this film at the cinema.  On purpose.  Twice.  The first time I took Rosie at a cinema in Toronto.  Rosie was pretty and Italian and glamorous but she also had a habit of grabbing my leg and going “RRRRRAAAAAAAHHH!!” whenever the sharks attacked.  Plus she had a weird laugh that sounded like a vacuum cleaner choking on a sock.  It was never going to last.

The second time, it was with a bunch of SL people who complained loudly that the film “sounded sh*t” going in and then thanked me equally loudly on the way out because although it really WAS sh*t, it was the sort of sh*t you can REALLY drink to.  

Also the film contains the BEST SAMUEL L JACKSON SPEECH EVER.  Forget “Pulp Fiction”.  Forget “Snakes on a Plane”.  His stirring “We WILL get out of here alive!!” speech is so awesome it drew laughter, whoops and cheers from the SL people, and an even more impressive response from the Canadians who did a polite golf-clap.

The thing I really liked about “Deep Blue Sea” is that it tested so badly in front of test audiences that they re-wrote the ending to KILL EXTRA CHARACTERS OFF.  Isn’t that brilliant!?  Imagine if we could do that with soap characters and sportspeople and reality tv stars?  It would be a BLOODBATH and a jolly good reason why I should never be in charge of anything.

So that’s what Kenny started.  15 years of venting office-bonkersness via reviews.   Thank you to those who have educated me like Chapman, Haining & Swanson, and to those who have made me laugh like Barker, Clohessy, Campbell, Pollock, Pryde, Gregson, Dunn & that McLeary bandit with his Demon Robots. 

Movie File Stalkers like Wallace & Goldrich really need to step up their game however.  But thank you for tolerating my nonsense all these years.

Symon O'Hagan
Force.com Analyst

Standard Life Investments
Ext: 66944
Direct Line: 0131 246 6944