Not A Date

My Dear Princess and Dear Fellow,

Briar is MOST PECULIAR person. You may have suspected this. Her love of dressing as an inflatable dinosaur, for example, may have given you a hint. 

Today she was worried.

"I don't know anything about the person I've been given for Secret Santa," she told me. 

"Food. Just go with food," I told her. 

"No. It has to be AMAZING. The person needs to feel like I've seen into their SOUL," she explained.

"For ten DOLLARS?" I replied. 

Ten dollars is the preset limit for Secret Santa. "Maybe you can make them gingerbread men with willies."

"I'm not sure they celebrate Xmas," she said. 

I wanted to point out they were taking part in Secret Santa but decided to let it pass. 

"Can you find out about this person?" I asked.

"Then they'll know it was ME who was their Secret Santa!" she responded, horrified. 

"Who are they friends with?" I suggested.

"YOU'RE TRYING TO FIND OUT WHO THEY ARE. NO HINTS!" she insisted. 

Then Claire* mentioned Squishy Cats. 

Briar was immediately intrigued. Not for Secret Santa. That was immediately forgotten. She wanted a Squishy Cat of her very own.

Claire told her you could buy stress-relief squishy cats in different colours for $9.99. Briar googled this and found they were selling them in a toy shop five minutes from our office. 

Erica also decided she wanted one. And it is Olivia's birthday later in the week so obviously we needed to get one for her too. Consequently, Claire, Briar and I headed round to the toy store. 

Along the way I asked Briar if she was likely to get nice presents from her parents. "No, they just buy me towels," she answered. "It's their way of telling me to move out. They are f*** off towels."

I felt bad about this but Briar was already gambolling around the store, squeezing all the plushies. Claire located the squishies and we ended up buying four squishy cats and a squishy orange pig. 

"I WANT THE PIG!" insisted Briar. Then she POKED it all the way back to the office, giggling with OBSCENE GLEE.

"I'm poking the FRONT END," she said defensively when I pointed out her filthy laugh.

Then she wore it on her head all afternoon. 

Erica LOVED her squishy cat. And Olivia discovered we all had squishy cats and was feeling left out so I had to give her the secret one we had bought her. Then she felt better. 

But not as good as Briar. "I LOVE squishy orange pig," she said. Then added hurriedly. "But we're just good friends."

"This isn't a date," she clarified, putting squishy orange pig back on her head. 

Briar is a MOST PECULIAR person. And this is why we all love her.

S.

* You haven't met her yet.