maltly goodnite ness

had a few weeks of feeling and being a bit disengaged from people....as i write this on june 12 th, its the 36th anniversary of my dads death ..still remember that day in 1977 with crystal clear clarity ,, we watched the sweeney (not bad for a 10 year old) that finished at 10 pm and was sent to bed.. that was the last time i saw my dad alive, for a few hours later he suffered a major heart attack and passed away ..a major betrayal for any parent to leave their kids in such a way .. i remember my eldest sister outside the house screaming hysterically.. i knew instinctively that my dad was dead..at the age of 10 i remember thinking my dads dead,, i didnt even have much concept of death at that time.i just knew i wouldnt see my dad again. i remember the undertakers taking my dads body from the house and having to move aside so they could take the body bag out of the house...I remember the trauma of it all ...needless to say this comprehensively screwed us kids up,, that and other family traumas before that time..we are products of our childhood, here i stand 36 years still wrestling and getting to grips with all things related to relationships...im deeply mistrustful of peoples ability to stay around..and with justification.. recent history how fickle, selfish people that i have called friends have treated me..when the wind changes or i have out lived my usefulness ..i have been cast away .. cant pretend it dont hurt it does...its the one vulnerability i have,, i cover up well and pretend to all that hey ..no worries..bugger ya . ..but underneath ive had my fill of goodbyes..people that i care about being wrenched from my life .. there ya go ..on this day in history.. doesnt mean much to the thronging masses...just a one part of my story....flipside of life is.. watched the programme about the life of stars last nite,, love the idea that we are all made from stardust ..getting back to my hippy roots !!.. but the measure of time when equated to the life of a star when compared with our own lives... we are truly here for a mere heartbeat, a little speck on a little planet ..spinning around a middle sized star somewhere in a milky bar !!! lol...