Monday

Starbank Park, my view from the bench. Where I tried to read, tried to drink my tea and tried to enjoy the sun, but failed. I spent it staring into space, crying and reliving this morning. 

An awful appt with a mental health organisation, referred to by my psychiatrist. I had asked for help to fill my days and get more involved with being with people; not something I really want to do but feel I should push myself. 
I had a 9.30am appt and he shouted my name as he kept walking through the waiting room,  it was lucky I was paying attention. Then followed a barrage of questions, some were very personal and he just rolled them off like ticking off a list. It was awful and I really didn't want to say some stuff. After him doing that he said they will discuss this tomorrow and he will phone at the end of the week with a plan. I was back in my car at 9.43am. What  a whirlwind and I was upset. Got in the car and cried. He didn't care, treated it like a tick list. 

I was worried I'd have to miss the first class back after  the summer of Pilates at 10.30am but had no problem. I thought about not going but I thought I thought I would regret it. Turned out I was the only one there and it was a good one, I felt stronger in my body and she noticed it as well. 

Came home, let the morning fully sink in and got upset, angry and self harmed. I don't know if I can speak to him again, and am unsure if I have to go and see him again, definitely don't want to do that. I am all over the place.