seeing.

Recently, I've been getting to know myself a bit more. Pieces being put together, flaws and strengths becoming a bit more obvious, and even dark sides, coming to light.

To be honest, I haven't been liking it.

The more God's been calling me to embrace my extrovert side, the more I want to hide it. The more He's been showing me why He's given me such a "mother's heart", the more I despise it. Answer's simple: because all of my nightmares will come true. Who wants to be a friend who always has to process out loud? One who talks too much? One who thinks silence is awkward? Who wants to have a friend who acts like a mother instead of a loving sister? One who nags at the age of 21? One who just wants to embrace you like a child?

It's been such a challenge though, fighting against what God has already programmed within me. The more I try not to talk too much or process out loud, the more I suffocate inside. The more I hide that I want to love like a mother, I find myself not knowing how to love anymore. Like placing a camera in front of me, I want to hide my real face by using an object that can change how anyone can perceive an image.
I think this is why anger has been starting to built within me. With no freedom to even be myself, I am lost under my own expectations and standards. I have lost who He has designed me to be.

Thus, out of hunger and a little bit of anger that I've only been seeing ministry resources about helping introverts out only, I googled "extroverts and ministry, women". After a few clicks, I found this blog post and was it a hit. It was both encouraging and rebuking. I needed those reminders: that He designed me for something. And instead of constantly comparing myself to the glories of being an introvert, I need to start comparing myself to His word only. His promises. That my flaws will continue to be there but I will not be alone in them.

So, world. Be prepared.

An extrovert that will start embracing herself is coming your way.