Timed

Pa remarked that I was early.  I laughed at how his day is very focused on how long is spent on doing something.  He doesn't see this but he will usually tell you how long something  took if you ask him how it was.  He has discovered that he can cook and clear up a ready meal in very little time and this pleases him although currently he will only purchase the ready meal  if it has been reduced.  

He also likes to score things out of 10.  He asked today about his score as a father.  I managed to avoid a direct answer and continue to ponder the subject and what constitutes a 10 to me.   He provided for me physically and supported and encouraged in his own way, often with control and judgement .  He worked hard and did conventional  "mens' jobs around the home.  There weren't public displays of affection in our home and he was and continues to be  very opinionated/rude about other people.

He was talking about the appearance of a family member who is very ill and who he claims not to like and about the caring undertaken by her husband.   He lacks any empathy.  I imagine how such conversations played out to my mother as she worried about her gradually deteriorating health and then when hearing the diagnosis.

His conversations are filled with 'if I'm here in', 'I won't be here in'. This appears to be based on family averages which seems reasonable at the age of 76.  He tells me that he has had an excellent life but that he is lonely and ready to go when his time comes.