The Uncertainty Principle

My Dear Princess and Dear Fellow,

Here is where my days in the office start. I really like the coffee from this place. 

Suck it, Pret.

Today I delivered two hours of Salesforce training to the team. I was really pleased that they not only stayed engaged all the way through but actually seemed to enjoy it. I got really nice feedback.

"I thought it would be really DULL but it was fun!" said Christine the new Change Lady Who Isn't Fazlyn.

I may have to promote her to New Fazlyn.

So I had a good day. But I'm feeling a negative undercurrent in my current mood. I can't quite put my finger on it, but I'm feeling ill at ease and unnerved. Like a feeling of foreboding.

I think it's the aftershock of my dad's departure. And the fact I used the word "departure" there should tell you of the issues I'm having dealing with it.

It's not so much that I love him and will miss him. Of course, that too. But it's more that he seemed like an anchor, a rock upon which my life is based. 

I mean. In reality not really. But it's just how I felt as a child and I didn't realise how much I still feel that way now. It's like now he's gone - what next? Who even am I without him?

It's like I've been sharing a life-raft these last 50 years with an annoying little tw*t who looks just like me. And he just cut the rope to our anchor and is saying, "Who are we now? Where are we going?"

I think this feeling will go. It's not paralysing or unbearable. It's just there. It's giving me anxiety dreams and making me feel a little out of sorts. If you are a perceptive sort, you may have noticed in this blog. 

I wasn't expecting to feel like this. No-one tells you. This is me telling you this now. If you didn't know. 

I feel like having typed all of this down and trying to expose it to the air, maybe it will go away. Maybe it will allow me to push that annoying little tw*t overboard and strike out for dry land. 

I'll let you know how that goes. 

S.