Terra Firma

My Dear Princess,

PREVIOUSLY ON "MURDER, SHE WROTE..." Our hero Symon was en route to Manchester...

So you find me halfway through a fourteen hour flight from Hong Kong to Manchester. Squished into a window seat next to people who NEVER PEE.

I mean. Honestly. And one of them is a WOMAN! Women pee ALL THE TIME. 

I'm starting to think she's actually a mannequin.

My bladder is about to explode. I'm going to have to move her. 

"I'm terribly sorry... would you mind...? If I...? I just need to errr...."

Oooh, she gave me such a look. 

I utilise my travel pillow as recommended by you. It sort of works. I sort of sleep. I sleep like this.

ME: WTF?? Was I sleeping?
ALSO ME: Yes. That was me, totally asleep on a plane. 
ALSO ME: Yay!! I bet I was asleep for AGES! We must be there by now!
ALSO ME: Nope. I was asleep for TEN WHOLE MINUTES. Just eleven and a half more hours to go. 
ALSO ME: F*ck!

It was like that the whole way. I watched telly. I watched "Ip Man" which people have been nagging me to watch for years. It was quite good. But not worth the nagging.

I also watched most of the Jimmy Savile documentary. I fifteen minute slept through parts of it. And I filled the time in between by watching Kat Watches Horror Movies* and Bob's Burgers. 

And EV-ENT-U-AL-LYYYYYYY it was fourteen hours later. Obviously it then took another 30 minutes to actually disembark because I hate people. 

The UK surprised me. First of all, it has sun now. When did THAT happen? Did you mothereffers import extra sun from Australia as part of the Brexit trade deal? Bastards. You kept that from me.

Also PRET. Oh Pret, I have missed you so much. I promise never to leave you again. I have missed your coffee so much and....

WHAT THE EFF IS THIS SH*T???

Yes. It turns out that nearly six years away from my beloved Pret has turned me off their coffee. Also, I couldn't find the egg and sun-dried tomato baguette I used to love, nor the Pecan Slice. 

They are now dead to me. I've turned into a Wellington Coffee W*nker and cannot go back. 

The OTHER other thing I found that I'd forgotten. PUBLIC TRANSPORT.

YOU PEOPLE ARE SO SPOILT.

I walked to Manchester Airport train station, got a train to York for £28 leaving in 30 minutes, then arrived in York just in time to miss the Bridlington train. 

AND THERE WAS ANOTHER ONE IN FIFTEEN MINUTES.

Do you KNOW how much hassle it would have been in Aotearoa? Do you? DO YOU????

So pay those effing railway workers, Rishi, you rich ****. Get your wife to pay them. She can afford it. 

THIS HAS BEEN A PARTY POLITICAL BROADCAST ON BEHALF OF THE WTF PARTY.

So anyway. I got to Bridlington at a good time (around noon) feeling very pleased with myself. I checked into a lovely seafront hotel and I was awake! I was full of VIM! I had a SHOWER! 

I texted my sister saying I just needed to put on pants and then I was good to go!! She didn't appear to get my message right away so I decided to rest my head for 10 minutes.

FOUR HOURS LATER

I woke up in a panic. What just happened? I looked at my phone full of messages from my sister. "Did you fall asleep putting on your pants? Ha ha ha."

By now it was 7.30pm. So we decided to call it quits for the day. I went back to bed and was thoroughly awake for 5 hours. Then slept for another eight.

I feel I'm back in the land of the awake now. I'm meeting my sister at 11:30. I am resisting the urge to rest my head for ten minutes. 

Hence blipping. Thank you, Princess.

S.

* Kat dropped me a message! She is going to record a special short video for Caro, to encourage her to watch horror movies too. We love Kat.