Cosmic

Actually just some grease drained off some particularly flabby chicken breasts.
And breasts is what it's all about today.


Warning: there now follows a self-indulgent but therapeutic (for me at least) outpouring that may contain too much information. If anyone is reading this, please feel free to stop now.

Actually I can't, I'm feeling blocked, like I can't really make sense of what I'm feeling.
A year ago, I can't believe that's me. I look so ill, I find it almost repulsive to look at. And the smile on Bella's face just breaks my heart. It was two days before I went into hospital to have the chemo frazzled remains of that bastard and his babies removed, we were all so scared but determined to have a happy family Sunday.
I should look at that picture and feel happy that I'm still here (and I am happy about that and the good days definitely outnumber the bad now) but all this first anniversary stuff I find so hard to cope with. I think it's hard sometimes for people to understand what life is like post-cancer, I sometimes feel like I'm expected to be 'fine' now. You are glad to be alive and all the rest of it but after your body and mind has been through such complete and utter shit and you've come face to face with your own mortality, it's hard to move on and just be how you were before. Because you'll never be like you were before. For me, losing a part of my body is something that I still haven't really come to terms with. I miss it. I have since been put back together again but having bits of me that aren't even made of me anymore is something I find quite horrific and if I'm honest I really wish I hadn't had it done.
I should think about the upcoming first anniversary as the first anniversary of being cancer free, not the first anniversary of having a mastectomy (and that is the first time ever I've managed to bring myself to type that word so maybe things are moving on after all !). But even then, that means an annual check is on the horizon and that brings with it a load of worries - will they find anything, is that constant ache in my armpit related to surgery or is it something more sinister. I try to stay positive but I want to be told that it will never come back and nobody can tell me that.
Sorry. I will be happy tomorrow.