Ass Umptions.....

It was one of those days yesterday....

A distraught looking fella speaking heavily mangled English asked me for help. 'I hev problem,' he gestured vaguely towards his nether regions 'weeth my dire area. Ees so bad my wife throw me out bed!

I'm not surprised, I thought, if that's how you refer to it. Anyway, I assumed we were travelling down the road towards Viagra, so I tried to speed the process up a little. 'Is your, ahem, dire area troubling you all the time, or is this a one off?'

He frowned. 'Yes, ees very soft,' he said. 'Very, very soft. Need sometheeng to harden.'

I could see the Morningside lady behind him in the queue nudging her friend and edging forward to hear more.

'No, I didn't say soft, I said off....oh never mind. You'll have to fill in a form and then you can buy a packet of 4, 8 or sixteen, OK?'

'I can take sixteen een one day?'

His ambition was impressive, but I thought his dire area might well combust if he took sixteen at once, so I whispered 'No. Take one about 20 minutes before sex.'

'Sex????' he bellowed. The Morningside ladies and I took a step back. 'I have dire area. No sex! Liquid liquid liquid!'

I think we all realised at the same time, that it wasn't Viagra he was after - it was something for his diarrhoea...............