The Mountain, “Be Kind” and Two Nicolas

Today has been difficult. My pain was low when I woke up and I managed a lie in - well, a lie in by my standards! 9am…

I have been very fatigued all day and very sore. The pain increased significantly from about 4pm - this happens a lot. Fibromyalgia pain generally is worse in the morning and in the evening.

I was cheered by the resignation of Nicola Sturgeon, First Minister of Scotland. Personally, I think she should have resigned a long time ago and I was not shocked at all at her resignation. She looked, to me, to be absolutely exhausted and I think she has made the right decision for Scotland and herself.

Rosie texted me today, later on in the late afternoon. Another friend texted me this evening. 

I went back to bed to rest about 11.30am and then had a late lunch of lemon and coriander cous cous with feta cubes. 

I tried my best not to feel guilty about resting and going back to lie down. I actually saw this poem (extra - The Mountain) online today which I have read before and I felt it was almost Fate that I happened upon it today.

It’s three years today since Caroline Flack committed suicide. It seems like only yesterday in some ways. It was about a month before the Covid pandemic created so much anxiety, separation (for some) stress, fear and upheaval in all our lives. She quoted a quote, “In a world where you can be anything, be kind.” 

I would like to think this is how I try and live my life, even though all chronic pain and life struggles. I have felt suicidal many times and I’m glad to be here most of the time but must admit the pain often overwhelms me.

She hosted Love Island on ITV2. I watched bits of it but was never a big fan. She won Strictly Come Dancing with Pasha as her professional dance partner and what a brilliant dancer she was. Such a loss. I believe she was trained in musical theatre from a very early age. 

I read today that the Met have told her family that they’re “deeply sorry” for the errors that were made with regards to her assault charge of her then boyfriend, who didn’t want to press charges. If I were her family, I would be utterly insulted by that. The Met and the gutter press media both have blood on their hands.

After her death, it transpired that she had been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and had been struggling with drug and alcohol dependency. She was viciously attacked by the media for her choice of boyfriends/partners in a way a man of any age never would have been - I don’t consider myself a feminist at all and I think this.

Today, I read the statement from the partner and family of the missing woman, Nicola Bulley. Another example of police ineptitude! Her partner and family have said that, in order to cease the endless amount of speculation online (particularly on TikTok), they have chosen to publicly disclose that she struggles with alcohol issues. I think they’re incredibly brave to go public with that given how much stigma and judgment there can be around addiction.

In addition to that, she had been struggling with menopausal symptoms. I am hoping that she has felt very overwhelmed and has gone into hiding for some headspace. I think it’s very encouraging that she brought her dog with her. Wasting the best part of a fortnight searching the river - ridiculous of the Police but I can’t say as I am surprised at another example of their ineptitude. I would like to think there are some good ones out there…

Sad to hear this evening that Raquel Welch has died at the age of 82. A decent age though and a very full life.

Due to this current intense fibromyalgia flare, I lost my 160 day learning streak on Duolingo German revision lessons, much to my annoyance. Today was Day One again! I managed 90% and that is much lower than average for me but I guess it’s not too bad given my high levels of pain and fatigue.

I will play catch up with comments, stars and hearts tomorrow :) xx