At the risk of sounding selfish

I really have had enough.

How much bad stuff can happen?

I do not have the energy to cope with my own grief after 2 years of ill health and major surgery. I was not anywhere near recovered this time last week when we all moved into the hospital to be with Nana. I didn't question for one second that I should be there with my family. My own needs were so insignificant at that point.
I am not complaining, not for one second. I would not have been anywhere else.

I find now though that I am so utterly exhausted but I cannot rest properly. My pain never left me over the last week...why would it...but now I am very aware of it again. My head is spinning and I feel dizzy, often separate from myself. My heart is racing, my head aches. Physical pains that I will not share have reappeared.

My exhaustion and my pain are conspiring against me in so many ways. I am not coping with anything right now. I am angry. So very very angry. I want to scream, I am full of rage simply because this is all so cruel. My tears don't seem to want to come and when they do, I know I don't let them go properly...that I talk myself out of it in order to appear strong.

I can't (or won't) talk about it. Who do I talk to? My family are all struggling to come to terms with our loss and are all reacting in different ways. It seems that no one can do right for doing wrong.
I put a brave face on for my boy, who could not cope or concentrate today so was sent home from school.

I have made an appointment to see my GP. Even that was stressful, when faced with the receptionist who wanted to know why. Didn't matter that my GP had told me to make an appointment, the receptionist felt that she knew better. I wasn't rude, but I did tell her straight.

I hope that a conversation with my doctor might allow me to be really honest, to not be judged for my conflicting feelings and to find some way to manage myself to allow my physical recovery from the surgery to get back on track.

And after writing all of that, I feel guilty and selfish. Because I am here.