Truth

Underworld - Beautiful Burnout

This entry is straight up. No bull, no condescending pretentiousness and least of all, no holds barred.

Life is getting worse. Just for me, because I can only see one thing. Nothing. As the questions become more complex, the solutions dim into one eventual answer.... nothing. There is absolutely no reason why anything should actually exist. The only thing keeping me going is the empty reassurance of distraction, the useless rules of "system" (religion, philosophy, etc.) and most evil of all, the emptiness of love.

Today I said I was going to meet a friend after work. I didn't. Pathetically because I was tired after work, mentally exhausted and in a shitty mood. I didn't want to burden them with the useless negativity of frivolous, self-centered complaints. I needed deep and satisfying sleep, yet I still stay up to write this worthless entry. I value my friend (and every other so much), but things are changing so quickly from under my feet that I can't bear to lose them. My selfishness conducts my feelings of greed to keep them close to my heart, knowing full well that in order to truly love you must learn to let go. They will be who they are; their beautiful selves.

My friends are progressing in such amazing ways, and pathetically looking into myself, I am in a state of idleness that shells me motionless. This envy that is motivated by unproven thoughts is in and of itself an evil apparition. How is one to draw conclusive direction from nothing? Says Joe Rogan, "You know as much about what life is all about as anybody else who's ever lived, ever." I most certainly do not see myself anywhere near genius such as Socrates, Lennon, Shakespeare, Daft Punk, etc. but to ask for the explanation of true purpose from another person who is ultimately lost is asking for bullshit. Nobody has true direction and everything ends and burns into nothingness.

As far as I'm concerned, I've wasted 13 years of nothing. The dreams died as soon as I finished high school. The truth is that life keeps going, to no avail of satisfaction or solution. The memories have faded, as have the relationships and beautiful times. Burnt away into cinderblocks, covered over by more distraction and complex confusion. It all goes away eventually, therefore the beauty and love you've felt means nothing, because it also dies too. Life begins again, then dies, therefore, FOR WHAT?!?

The clarity of the infinite means nothing. They are both equal. I am in love again, only to know that it means nothing; to be met with hurt, deception, lies, growth and degradation. Love has engulfed me in as many times throughout my short life as it has passed away. I have woken up many times before only to clutch at my pillow the love I truly had for someone. It had passed away and will do so again. Love for someone is pure selfishness, as crap as is hate.

I am obviously thankful for everyone whom I've met, but lets be honest, all will be forgotten in death and the eventual passing of time. I simply cannot bare this. My selfishness takes over in the hopes of believing that this all actually has meaning. It doesn't. My ignorance has not been convinced by anyone purporting a solution. There is none. "Make the most of it," some people advise me, but for what? The big question.

Pardon the language, but fuck it. This is my true self laid bare. If you have made it this far, my apologies.