Happy Birthday Mum

It's so hard to believe that one year ago you sat on the sofa in our sitting room (your chosen spot) on your birthday and you coveted Dad's blanket.  You were so concerned about me, especially me doing too much that you told me to leave yours.  Well if that doesn't sum you up I don't know what does.

You were so very special and I miss you so so much.  I think about you every day and tell you about my day each day when I go to bed as we no longer have our morning chats.  Thank you Mum for all that you did for me.  We had times of not seeing eye to eye, but you were always there.  You always looked after us, no matter how much that cost you.  Yet life dealt you many blows, like not being able to take your O-levels.  But you never let that stop you, and you were an inspiration in how you lived.  I'm rambling Mum.  I had a couple of drinks tonight.  I know how much of you you gave to keep our family together even though you never got the credit you deserved.  Mr T told me the other day how much he missed you too.  He's downstairs now Mum, in your seat!  I know you wouldn't mind, you'd just be pleased for me that it made my life easier.  You are such a special lady.  Losing you is a pain I never imagined I could feel.  I love you so so much Mum and I miss you so desperately,  I'm glad you're not in pain, but there are things that haunt me, like knowing you were afraid of dying and not being there with you when you were taken.

I'll keep trying to be strong Mum, until the day I can hug you again,

Mr T is doing so well, and I wish you could see him downstairs.  Dad makes him cross sometimes!  He told me he misses you.  Some people think he doesn't understand but he does and he still remembers the day the snake came on the tele and you beat a hasty retreat from his room.

I still carry you with me in my heart, I want to make you proud of me Mum and I wish we had never had the difficult times, but maybe those gave us that bond in later years.  I never knew how big a hole you would leave in my heart.  As the Queen sad grief is because of love and I love you so very much.

I found the backdrop on the memory card in your camera.  What was mine, then Dad's then yours is now Mr T's.  He's on Blip now too Mum, and so much kindness is shown to him even though he sometimes runs out of capacity (and we run out of time) to comment.  He loves doing it.  Tells me very morning he needs to take his photo.  He's so amazing Mum.  Some days are harder but he still makes me laugh, and he will forget who I am I know that, but as long as he always remembers how much I love him we'll be ok.  I feel like I wanted to do more for you.  The time when Louise filled in as we were told you wouldn't make it through the night, maybe I imagined this, but I do believe when I got there you rallied.  We had a special bond in spite of everything.  You understood when I had to go, you always put others first and told me to go because I had responsibilities.  You were the glue that held us together over and over.  You never complained Mum.

My stairs are now almost finished and I wish you could see them.  The purple wall in the lounge has gone, I know you really didn't like that when you first saw it!  New flooring now to make it easier for me to move Mr T around. Still getting involved in lots of things, and will keep my Blog up to date this year!  I'm making some time for myself too, I can play some songs on the guitar, not great but ok.  I'd love to show you what I've done, I want to think you can see.  Every time I see the robin in the garden I say hello Mum.  Although it's got a bit aggressive, and reminds me of how you would always surprise me by being feisty when I was wronged.  I miss Elsie and Letty.  We seldom see them, and Letty misses you a lot.  You two had a lovely bond.  The picture I took of you both on my 50th birthday is on the wall here and in Letty's memory box.  That was such a wonderful afternoon even though Mr T wasn't with us.  That special Lando cake you made me!  I don't think you'd be very happy with F1 now as Lewis didn't do very well last year.  We'd have had some interesting and fun conversations about that!  I so much just want one more hug, to hear your laugh and see your smile. But most of all Mum I just love you and miss you.  I shall try and get some sleep now, maybe a couple too many drinks tonight.  I can't wait to hug you again Mum. xxxx