april stacks

I did not take many photos today. Can’t say it was extremely productive either. But it was a good day, and I’m going to take what I can get.

I woke up late today. Had coffee with Ef. We talked at length… about a lot. In the end, it came to me explaining why I’ve been reacting the way I was for a while now. Today was the first time I admitted how hurt and damaged I was from the last 4 years I spent in this city. How it chipped away from my soul and boundaries bit by bit. I talked and talked. She listened.

Then I asked a few questions. And I admitted that we don’t know each other a lot, but added that I’m excited to get to know her. Then we laughed about the stupid risk we took. Then we realized how good a fit we are, and how we’ve been so good for one another.

Then the day’s rhythm really picked up — cleaning, my dad calling for a translation, dinner, shower, my weekly call with darling Mark. Today, he asked where I’d be if we hadn’t met. I answered on the spot because it was an important question. But I thought about it a bit more.

There are some people in our lives who knock on the door when we’re in the middle of the ocean during a storm. No visible shore or no safe harbor. In the middle of the struggle, someone calls for you.

It’s a choice, whether to open the door, tell them it’s not a good time and shut it firmly, or to open it wide and step aside, tear-struck. And they smile at you. Warm hands on yours. The smell of gravy in the restaurant. And they wave, and dip into the water.

You see, the issue lies within the fact that a ship, without a harbor, shoreline or anchor, does not know where it is. So is there any point asking it where it’d be if you hadn’t showed up and anchored it to the ground after the storm?

I’d be lost. I know as much, and I don’t want to speak of more. But, I think it’d suffice to say that I’ve been in the storm for a long while now, and while I wouldn’t be sunken, I’d be missing so many pieces. Now I feel like I’ve been anchored at a safe harbor. Now I feel like I can begin to repair what’s been lost and broken.

About the photo: I asked Zoé to write an entry in my journal, all those months ago when we sat in her tiny flat and listened to Woodkid and admired the beauty of life and music. And here’s the first page of it. I miss her so much… I wish so badly that I see her again soon. I wish Amsterdam was closer to Marseille, haha! But it’s okay. We stay afloat by holding each other’s hands, after all.

Today, I’ve been thinking about the absolute smell of home that hit me as soon as I stepped out of the airport gates in Marseille. How Zoé hugged me — for the first time in our 9 years of friendship. How it immediately felt safe and okay with her.

I often forget how many times I got lucky. Where would I be without these people who have marked me forever? (hah!) I don’t know. And I’d very much like to stay ignorant to that.