Samhain.

Cold turkey for Christmas.
 
24th December 1971
08.52.00 a.m.
 
A door closes behind me and a sympathetic clunk reassures me I am safe from the outside world; I lie down and start to reflect on my life and those that I have hurt. I start blowing smoke rings with the air it is that cold. One more day of being without my sons, this is well and truly, cold turkey for Christmas.
 
It took a long time to come to terms with the fact that I was an alcoholic and a cocaine abuser; I have been trying to recover from the drivers of my imminent demise. My Ex -wife had no concept whatsoever on what I have been enduring.
One never expected her to fully empathise with what I had been going through, after all, life living with me was for her, a complete hell!
Playing the field, I would not come home from 1 day to the next and sometimes very early hours of the morning, absolutely stoned out of my mind on cocaine and alcohol. Why? Was always the question I kept asking myself, time after time! Why? What was I doing? I could not seem to grasp the situation that had roller-coasted out of complete control. Looking back nostalgically I still cannot answer why, even whilst lying on this coffin board for a bed, I still cannot fathom out why!
 
After time apart reconciled way too quickly and as per usual I got complacent and took her for granted once again! I mean I had no respect for her whatsoever; I would call her all the names under the sun, “oh Universe I am so sorry, please forgive me”, I plead out loud!
What did she do so wrong that she deserved all this? Nothing, it was me, bit late now fella!
That was it; “Nothing!” A moment of clarity later, bit late now son!
 
I had come down in a very big way, being deprived of intense cocaine sessions, too much too soon. I was suffering what is known as “Cold turkey” brought on by drug and alcohol withdrawal. Some say it’s deserved some say its self-pity, well in this instance, it was both.
 
What had occurred next universe was my wife and children’s worst nightmare! Moments of darkness came upon me. I have suffered from depression and ADHD since my early teens, the depression came from the emotional abuse I had suffered from my also emotionally disturbed mother. 
Mother had a baby die at birth, strangled by the umbilical cord then 9 months later I was conceived and saddled me with the same as “yes universe not the brightest of ideas.” I extend the stare to the flaking ceiling, no reply; I carry on with my ramblings.
Crocodile tears, anger and a whole heap of un answered questions. I can only surmise as to why my mother was such a cunt to me was that I was not that baby that died, and she was taking out her undetected Post-Natal depression and grieving out on me. We just didn’t bond. Maybe universe, she was scared to in case I also died, bit late now. This universe by today’s standards is not the done thing. These are not excuses for what I am about to tell you, but they have certainly contributed to my downfall.
                                                                  
 
A cold night in November 1971, I returned from the local pub in my village by this time me and the then wife had been sleeping in separate rooms, I needed to talk about me and her in general.
I had got myself a greedy size glass of pure orange juice, we argued and tore strips off one another and by this time I am getting more and angrier as the argument carried on, taken to a point I got my orange juice and soaked her in it and I then stormed out. A couple hours later to mask the pain, I was out back on the gear again.
Flipping open my little black book of birds, I checked out an old flame and holed up there for a few days, I had time off work, blagged it by saying to the wife I was on assignment in Gloucester documenting life on a canal, “yes universe, I know a stupid idea.”
 
No sooner had I got through the door, I was greeted with teeth and claws, I timed my arrival in time when the children were at school, and they didn’t need to see or even deserve the carnage that would inevitably ensue when I showed my face at home.
She knew I hadn’t been on the canal, “yes universe, I know I know, bit late now.”
The 4 finger claw drag down the left side of my face took me straight back to when my late psychopathic mother had done the same thing to me, I look up to the flaking ceiling again, fixated on the large flake of paint hanging and gently swinging on the mild breeze, a minute passes, I ask “Universe, what is it with me?”
No reply, no surprise there.
The blood pouring, the flesh flapping, I stand in shock, she has drawn first blood, snapping me out of my shock is not just the sting of  nail polished laden talons it was the waft of apple and moonflower shampoo scented hair, enveloping my head as she head-butts me straight on the bridge of the nose. “Life’s real universe, you created it.” Flashes of how am I going to explain these newly acquired visual disfigurements with my customers is going to be tricky to say the least, “mmm rather big cat you have fella”, people are not stupid.
 
 
08.57.32 a.m.
 
A few weeks had passed and I was healing quite nicely, I had told those that asked I got into a punch up with my brother, he was very understanding and went along with the charade, people are not stupid, claw marks are indicative of one thing where I’m from, the council estate female. I look down at the pockmarked floor, ravished in a utilitarian grey, miserable! A suddenly there is a lot of noise outside, I soon zone out and go back into my nostalgia driven self-pity.
There is a dark green door on the other side of my pad, 6 foot and a bit of spare change in height and around 3 foot in width, made of solid steel panels that were fastened and framed in mushroom headed rivets, I think it could be a decommissioned fire exit, after all it is an old building, pre Victorian I believe. I shift my angle, this bed is awful, I shift over to my right and face the wall, scrunched up in a near fetal position, I again, I resumed talking to the universe, my only friend, real or not it’s a great comfort.
Universe, Six months had passed since the attack, I avoided the wife like the plague and concentrated my efforts on the children to avoid arguments with the wife at every angle, this was proving to be hard because in her eyes I was a QWERTY keyboard of button pushing, any button will do to trigger a reaction.
 
It was on my 45th birthday I went out with an old but not a very trusty friend, universe I have always found that one should always keep your friends close and your enemies’ even closer, this in time paid off.
I was not really in the mood for a heavy session so we called an early night, he drove me home at around 23.05, I had told the wife id be in at around 23.00 hours, I was 5 minutes late, I thought nothing of it as I have not been home before for days, so five minutes would of been a revelation and greatly accepted by her.
Well universe I couldn’t have been more wrong. I shifted my angle again, feeling more and more nervous energy as time ticks away and relaying events, all I want is forgiveness, “Is that too much to ask?” Open palmed, I belt out in frustration. My mate pulled up out the back of the house and I started to get out, as I was about to shut the door my mate alerts me to the back bedroom light coming on “some ones in the shit!” pointing out the obvious, “No shit Sherlock, go on fuck off don’t need you here stirring it!” I retort, “Oh no I’m staying for the show”! No sooner had he replied I heard the window open and out came the cry of marital warfare “WHERE THE FUCKING HELL HAVE YOU BEEN!!!?” I turn pale and my so-called-mate clunks the car into reverse and the whining of the lay gears of reverse sing out as he backs up in haste. A touch wheel scrub later and he has gone leaving a waft of foul smelling Sulphur from a knackered catalytic converter. “Fucking coward!” I shout after him, by this time the window slams, the gauntlet is dropped.
 
Universe what I am about to divulge further with you, I beg of your forgiveness on every level, I have failed to forgive myself its now down to you, if you are hearing me please give me a sign…Nothing, not even a breeze under the door, the uninvited guest in my room doing an Ulster times crossword asks me for help “help me out would ya fella?” I reply “with what?”  “A clue fella, I’m stuck, it’s very cryptic, so it is” “If I must!” I reply, “What deity walking backwards can hound you out..? Three letters” Here comes the countdown clock “OH ha fucking HA!” I shout out when the penny drops, “DOG! DOG SPELT BACKWARDS IS GOD! YOU FENIAN BASTARD!” The guest laughed like a drain at getting a rise out of me. It dawned on me this could be the sign I was actually asking for?
The universe does move in mysterious ways…I had my answer, it exists. This interruption in all fairness took me away from conscious moments, he carried on scribbling.
 
 
08.59.00 a.m.
 
 
Picking up the gauntlet I walked with the fear of dread at entering the banshee’s cave and facing the wrath of my wife “FIVE MINUTES LATE!” I gruff through my gritted teeth, I open the door and the house is silent, the air smells of nothing, atmosphere cold, single light on the landing was swaying in the newly acquired drop in air pressure, I slowly made my way up the stairs, each creak of the steps sounding like a gunshot in a library, I thought that was only happened in films!
As I look up I saw a shadow forming on the reveal of the wall the shadow became a mass, the mass then became the wife, her eyes like fiery kites, mouth drawn back to reveal her canines her hair dressed Boudicca style, I made my way up offering my excuses, I knew at this point things had gone too far universe. I was one step down from the top of the stair case when she turned her torso as if to move off into the bedroom, how wrong I was universe, she uncoiled her waist like a pugilist on his last knockings, brought her right arm up an thrusted it down into my clavicle, in shock and confused at such a strange target, universe my head was in line for a good punch, it then dawned on me she had just stabbed me with a craft knife, fresh blade, it cut through a padded coat, jumper and shirt then the flesh and bone, quite quickly the blood started to seep the rough I knew the wound would be bad cause the amount it had to seep through.
Universe I did try to disarm her by grabbing the weaponized hand but she had another little surprise for me, left hand had another knife, this time she drew down and stuck it straight in my ear and twisted it.
My straw had well and truly broken now, I managed to disarm her, grabbed hold of her feet and pulled them from underneath her, I then dragged her to me before she could realise what was going on and threw her down the stairs, this was her Grandmas house, old school I quickly grabbed the shillelagh on the hallway wall, set aside for Jehovah’s witnesses that come knocking, I swung it over my head, enough was enough! And brought it crashing down on her chest, she started to flail and continued stabbing me in the arms, legs, face; she was screaming “FUCKING DIE YOU BASTARD!!!” I said nothing, delivering the coup de grace, I split her head open like a piñata, I sat and back I watched her twitch whilst the life that made my life a misery, ebb away.
Universe I am not proud of what I did, I did it to save myself, I brought her to a point of no return and in return it’s taken two lives, please forgive me universe. The sounds of bells rang out across the Belfast and the tolling whittles down the Crumlin road with such a sweet but menacing sound, they remind of dear old England. 
Thank you universe.
 
 
08.59.10 a.m.
 
08.59.25 a.m.
 
08.59.35 a.m.
 
 
08.59.40 am- 24th December 1971- 3rd Sunday of the month.
 
Just at the moment my nostalgic trip down memory lane with the universe was interrupted by the door that had so gently clunked behind me open with an aggressive kick and turn of key, 2 guards and a very well dressed man walk in, I stand to, I naturally turn and offer my right arm and I am turned and pinioned by the wrists the smartly dressed man puts his hands on my shoulders and asks me in a very soft voice, “follow me son, I’ll look after you” bizarrely reassured I follow him, with the two guards are guiding me, as by magic the big green door slides to one side and in an instant my fate is revealed.
A white room, one window above throwing the only available light on the noose and trapdoor, the smartly dressed man stands behind the rope, as I am led I frame him round the loop of the noose, trap door awaits, I count my steps 1,2,3,4,5,6,7 my toes are then placed at the top of the chalked “T”” feet astride of the gap in the trap doors, two guards are standing either side on the planks and holding on to me, my legs are pinioned and the smartly dressed man with no more expression places the white hood over my head and then the noose, adjusts the running knot around my neck, my breathing hastens, the hood moves in and out as if a diaphragm was fitted to my mouth, I feel him move away, heart beating, bells tolling, the tinkling sound of metal pin is removed, an agricultural sounding crank of the lever….
 
INRI.
 
09.0.00 a.m.
 
 
EPILOGUE:
 
10.00.00 a.m.
 
“Okay John, you can lower him down now, careful as you do it son” as the executed prisoner lays on the stretcher down in the pit the prison surgeon holds the head moves it side to side and checks for clean breaks and makes his notes he then pulls out his stethoscope and places it on the dead man’s chest…he looks at his watch...
“Time of death recorded 10.00 a.m.”
 
 
FIN. 

Words and images- Jason L C Hurst. ©