Secret

Can you keep a secret? I’m sure that all of us at some time have been asked that question.. It is an invitation into the confidence of another person and as such is offered as a gift. When asked this question I am always conflicted.. and become anxious thinking “what if the secret involves something unlawful? What will I do“
My normal answer is conditional - I usually say “Sure …if you’d like to share it with me that’s fine.. but I can’t promise that I will keep the secret to myself until I hear what it is. If you trust me, then please go ahead”. So far these words have never stopped any disclosure being made.
Mostly the secret is something straightforward – a personal concern, something the individual needs to get off their chest, to literally share their anxiety or worry. More often than not the secret is divulged with nervousness as the person waits for a reaction – perhaps expecting a look of disgust, a word of censure or condemnation. When the secret is eventually shared and we move into the new space created by those few words of personal disclosure, more often than not a there is a clear sense of release from the sharer. On most occasions listening to the disclosure is enough. There is normally no expectation of advice, or affirmation. It’s enough to be heard.
Rarely do people ask for my approval. They simply need someone else to be aware of something they are finding hard to deal with.
The other day I was gifted with a secret that a man had held for over 50 years.
It happened in a church. I was speaking at an event and afterwards, while sitting down for a coffee, a man, let’s call him John, started a conversation with me. Initially it was very general – it appeared he was still looking for church family where “he could be himself”. I asked why he was finding the search difficult. John said that he had an issue that often turned religious people off him. I asked him did he want to tell me what that was. Then he said he was gay, looking down as he made the disclosure. I asked him when he first came out and he said “I haven’t yet. I’m afraid my 80 year old Mother would find out - as she is very religious!”
John’s secret has haunted me ever since. Imagine being afraid of sharing who you are with your family and carrying that heavy secret around for 50 years.
My prayer would be that we make space for people to share their secrets with us in a way that they feel heard and not judged. One day love and grace will break through and people like John will no longer need to keep such secrets. Until then, be a good listener.