Soozle

My Dear Princess and Dear Fellow, 

Today is Soozle's birthday. I have mentioned my ex-wife before in passing but I don't think about her too much these days.

She has pretty much dropped out of my life. This is normal for ex-wives, one may think, but our divorce (like our marriage) was not really very normal. 

She is NOTHING like Caro - a very insular, very serious-minded person. She cared nothing for fashion or make-up. I suppose the only things they have in common are that they are both very smart and very strong women. 

When Caro first heard I was separated from my then-wife she was wary. "They always go back to their wives," she thought. But my separation from Soozle, when it came, was final. 

To this day, I'm still not really sure why we split up. When people ask I give them blandishments. For example, "We grew apart". 

I suppose it is possible. We met when we were much, much younger and we grew up a lot during our time together. People change. 

Sometimes I tell people that Soozle was in a depression, which is also sort of true. She didn't speak to me at all from 1997 to 1998. During that time, when I asked what was wrong she would say, "I'll not angry. I'm just going through something. I'll tell you when I'm able to talk." 

And when she worked it through, it was to tell me our marriage was over. 

It's possible she'd fallen in love with someone else. She got involved with a strange chap shortly after we broke up. It hurt a little bit, mainly because he was a weirdo Scientologist who took drugs and saw prostitutes. All things Soozle had always told me would be an absolute dealbreaker for her. 

These are the sorts of things which lead a fellow to ponder WTF is so wrong with him. 

Fortunately I was not left pondering for long. Caro turned up six months into my separation. She was weirded out by the fact that I was still friends with Soozle though.

I saw no reason not to be. I mean. Soozle had been honest with me, she hadn't wanted to hurt me. 

I am very logical.

Caro met Soozle when the three of us went to the movies together. We went to see that Schwarzenegger movie, "End of Days" and Soozle introduced herself to Caro by getting a big fright and nearly landing in Caro's lap. It broke the ice.

They seemed to get along pretty well. They would go and do things together and for a while we were reasonable pals. After me and Caro returned from our trip around the world, it was Soozle who offered to let us stay at her house for a month while we found somewhere new to rent. 

People thought that was weird. But it seemed to work. I cooked for Soozle, and she shared her cats with us.

Then - and again I'm not sure why - we just drifted apart completely. Somewhere around 2008, I think. 

From seeing each other every couple of months, we just lost contact. It stayed that way until 2017.

But just before we left Edinburgh, Soozle got in touch. She told me she wanted to say goodbye. I blipped the incident here but gave a sanitised account of the event. 

Looking back, It was a surprisingly emotional last meeting. She cried and asked me to forgive her, but I wasn't sure what for. 

I was puzzled but told her she was forgiven and gave her one last hug. But the hug felt strange. Unnatural. Like we'd never been married at all. I think being with other people had changed us both too much. I was a lot more Caro and lot less Soozle by this time. 

As for Soozle, she did not stay with her weirdo boyfriend for long and I don't think she's been with anyone ever since. We stayed in touch for a little while after I emigrated and I pointed her at this blog if she wanted to know what I was up to. I don't think she ever took me up on it though. 

And every year on her birthday I send her an email just to say hi. Perhaps I oughtn't but it just feels wrong to me somehow to pretend that 13 years of my life doesn't count for anything anymore. 

Two years ago she wrote back to say she didn't have time for a long reply because she was in the process of moving from Edinburgh back to Yorkshire to take care of her mum. And that was the last I ever heard from her. She didn't write back last year at all, which made me sad.

I wrote to her again today. I don't expect a reply.

I hope she's ok.

Today's pic is from November 2000; Soozle and Caro.  

S.