Cosmos

Late snap, cosmos in a pot!

A fair day at work, with a team member’s PDR this morning, chat with the curator and a marketing meeting this afternoon. I prefer to see at least one person to chat with, although the counsellor this evening said it’s not a bad thing for me to be on my own at work, rather than people passing the inane ‘how are you’s’ and me having to try and respond. 

It is still counselling by phone, which she apologised for, saying it was better face to face. For me however, I didn’t mind that I could be at home and that although there’s not the eye contact and body language connections, it wasn’t a bad thing that she couldn’t see my red eyes and snotty nose! I cried for most of the hour! I felt very wrung out at the end, but an hour later, felt calmer and although tearful all evening, felt strangely ok. I felt able to talk to her about the things I can’t say to anyone else and I did feel better about my feelings regarding B’s actual passing. I realised that although I’d been resentful that the nurses didn’t come in time, didn’t seem to recognise my pleas for help, it was a privilege that it was just the two of us. She said a lot of people pass when their family have left the room and that it was a lovely thing, and testament to our love and connection that he passed with me there. 

It still feels strange that I am having counselling! Me, the strong one, or so everyone tells me. She reassured me that it’s common to want to ‘stay home’, to hibernate from the world that is carrying on as normal, and that it’s ok to turn down invitations.