I went to the cinema tonight, for the first time in seven years. After about three minutes in the auditorium, I remembered why I'd left it so long....

Here, for your consideration, are some questions.

1) Why do people need to eat their way through a BUCKET of popcorn whilst watching a film?

2) Does anyone ever actually eat popcorn when they're not watching a film?

3) Why do they have to crunch popcorn so loudly?

4) Can they not sook said popcorn?

5) Why does the man/woman with the death rattle cough sit right beside me?

6) Why does someone always start rustling a family sized packet of Revels/slurping an ice-pole during a really emotional, quiet bit of the story?

7) What do you suppose made a man in the front row suddenly shoot out of his seat halfway through the screening (shouting 'f**k me' really loudly) only to disappear through the exit doors, never to return?'

8) How many more years will it be until I can bear to go back?

Answers on a hotdog please.....