Clematis

In the garden

We got about four hours sleep, albeit it in hour snatches and the day didn’t start too badly. Moira came and sat with him while I took Dog to the groomers and he chatted to her about his bands etc. when he nodded off, Moira and I had a coffee in the courtyard before she collected Dog for me. 

The district nurse came in the afternoon and declared not all the drugs in the ‘Just in case ‘ collection were there. I had to go to the chemist to get them. I had to leave him on his own and to be honest I am still too stressed and uptight about the next half hour when he was on his own, when they hadn’t made the order and I was left running between chemists. I got some of them, the ones needed for the syringe driver anyway, and he was fast asleep when I got back, although he did half half his drink down his front!  I have to repeat this tomorrow afternoon to collect the rest tomorrow. The nurse returned and set it all up, and within an hour B was not B any more. No one tells you how to a) do the practical stuff like get a full grown man off the bed and onto a commode when he no longer has any strength in his upper body and his legs just don’t move and b) the emotional side when although he knows my name, clearly has no concept of who I am. 
the first week after diagnosis we both cried a fair bit, sometimes together and sometimes alone, but since then, mostly have lived one day at a time. Tonight the flood gates have opened and I can’t seem to stop. My only hope is that in the morning he will be a little more ‘him’ but if not, I am going to suggest to James that he doesn’t bring the girls on Sunday, because I know that the B of just a few weeks ago would want them to have happy, not harrowing memories of him.