An empty shell

This is a view through the now empty HMV store in Croydon, looking from inside the shopping centre to the street. I think there must be more empty space than retail in that shopping centre although a fair number of sites have never been occupied.

I hoped to bring you something more positive than yesterday's sombre writings but things haven't really worked out like that today. This is much more introspective though, and long.

My confidence has hit rock bottom again. I felt like I had some idea what I was doing but now I feel like I don't know anything. I mean I know better than most people how to operate the software we use, it comes almost instinctively to me, but sadly this technical ability comes at the expense of social skills.

I'm not an aggressive person. I hate upsetting people and I consider myself to be empathetic and reasonable and straightforward and open in my communication. However this morning I got into trouble for an email I sent where I still don't believe that I did anything wrong. Somebody asked me a question by email, I answered it, then they came back with a suggestion which was totally unworkable and went against what I'd just told them. Basically a totally unreasonable timeframe - I said we need at least 2-3 weeks, they came back with "How about 4 days?" I went back and said that isn't going to work, it doesn't give us enough time and explained this in what I thought was a reasonable way. I also copied in a couple of other people who I thought needed to know that the proposed date wasn't going to work. Almost immediately her line manager came over and collared my line manager about the unreasonable communication I'd sent. They talked for a while then my line manager told me to go and find him in 5 minutes. So I sat and fretted about what trouble I might be in but also felt annoyed that this had blown up to be such a big thing. My boss told me I shouldn't have worded my email so strongly and I should have gone and talked to her. But she sent me an email - why shouldn't I reply by email? Her line manager is a total bitch who seems to relish picking fights with people wherever possible and particularly likes to pick on those who are of a lower ranking than her on the office hierarchy - which unfortunately includes me.

I got upset and panicky at this point because I don't like upsetting people and I don't like making mistakes and also because I don't even feel like it's clear why I did wrong. I hate when I get panicky at work. I feel ashamed which makes me panic more. I did manage to get my breathing back in control though and went back to my desk and took some diazepam to calm me down. It made the day pass quicker, I mostly twirled the mouse around the screen because my eyes weren't focusing so well and I didn't feel motivated.

It's so frustrating because I can do the technical side of the job so well, it's just dealing with people within the business I can't get the hang of. I deal with people from other businesses and that's usually fine. My boss has told me to respond to this same woman and copy in several other people before and I've done so and then she's come along and screamed at me about why I've gone and done that because now they're asking her about it. Incidentally they did need to know because it affected them too. But my boss stayed silent through this tirade of abuse and didn't step in and admit it was his idea or explain his reasoning.

Time and time again I am made to feel that it is my fault and it's me who is in the wrong. I feel like I can't get anything right so I shouldn't bother at all. I hate feeling this way. I guess I just won't reply to any internal emails and suggest people ask my manager instead. But then he'll tell me I should take more initiative and reply to my own emails or something. At some point I realise I can't win because the goalposts keep getting moved but it doesn't make me feel any better about myself. I want to bury myself under the duvet and not come out and not deal with anybody which is sad as I thought I'd come such a long way but really I'm still the scared little kid being yelled at by a totally unreasonable teacher with unpredictable mood swings. I want to hide myself away and not face anybody. This is sad because so many good things are happening and I am in a much better place these but other people keep grinding me down and making me feel worthless.