Brace position

Before I had Audrey, I prepared myself for the worst. I was never the maternal type and from what I could see, peering over the fence...motherhood looked tough. Tiring and tough.

So when I fell pregnant, it felt like the Last Nine Months. My sister even joked at one stage, "you're having a baby sis, you're not on death row".

You see, I was ready. Ready for two years of hell. I'd seen the films, read the books. Life was about to get really hard. Apparently I wouldn't sleep (ever again), I'd lose all sense of my identity including my career and figure, my husband and I would argue incessantly....the list goes on.

But I was ready. And when she finally arrived, I took a deep breath and adopted the brace position.

And yes the first six months were gruelling. The lack of sleep did send me crazy. And my changed bodyshape depressed me.

But I wasn't prepared for the good parts. No-one had prepared me for the highs. The joys. Feeling like my heart could burst when I looked down at this little person in my arms. How my husband and I would become closer and laugh, I mean really laugh at the comical things our baby would do.

And I wasn't prepared to enjoy it so much. Days hanging out with Audrey are my favourite days ever. My old life with its holidays and long lunches is honestly pale in comparison. Lacklustre. Flat.

Lack of sleep, yeah. But you get used to it.
Changed bodyshape? If you work at it you can get it back (well maybe not back, but as near as damn it).
Loss of identity? You honestly don't have time to worry about it or care!

Motherhood is amazing. I wish I'd never listened to all those naysayers and done it sooner.

But there is one part of it that I do hate. Truly detest. And no-one warned me about this bit. It is the feeling of utter helplessness you get when your child is ill and in pain. When they can't tell you what is wrong and so you can't help them. That is wretched. Possibly the worst feeling in the world. Coupled with the guilt that you are somehow responsible (where did I take them...how did they get this...am I doing enough to make them better etc).

Today Audrey was a like a vomit volcano. We thought she was better so we pumped her full of milk and solids only for my husband and I to find ourselves wearing it a few hours later. The poor thing is a wreck. Red eyes, lethargic and weak. She has just whimpered all day.

Get well soon Audrey. I miss you.

Confession - today's blip pic was taken on Wednesday on a family day out. I honestly couldn't bring myself to take a picture of Audrey today :(