blahblahblahmeowmeowmeow

My Dear Princess and Dear Friends,

(Side note: Today's blip was written at speed right after the events I describe because I didn't want to forget any of it. Reading it back to myself right now I can sort of tell it was written in a fury of typing).

Today’s title is a verbal tic from Ellie who talks AT HIGH SPEED all the time! With lots of OH MY GOD! Did I tell you about this one time? Digressions.

And there’s a fair amount of “blahblahblahmeowmeowmeow”. Which is Ellie’s version of “yada yada yada”. As in, "This intranet page shows all the functions of the Digital Workspace team blahblahblahmeowmeowmeow..."

I absolutely LOVE talking to Ellie. She can make me NOT BREATHE with laughing.

Today we chatted for an hour. A fair portion – I’m going to say 73% - was about actual work and stuff and things. But that leaves 27% MAYHEM.

For example. The meeting started with me asking Ellie how she was and she just held up a finger at me because she was eating a Fredo Frog biscuit and could not answer. Then she had to tell me all about the biscuit and how to dunk the biscuit and then we went off on a biscuit tangent.

Then she told me she had spare time because Denim Skirt had cancelled a meeting with her. I cannot use Denim Skirt’s real name because who knows what might happen to this material. But anyway, Denim Skirt HATES Ellie.
 
This is because she is JEALOUS that Ellie got AJ and married him and has a child with him. Denim Skirt, says Ellie, wears a denim skirt the whole time even while in the office because she feels her legs are her best feature and she is DESPERATE to get a man before her ovaries shuh-RIVEL.
 
Is how Ellie put it. With an appropriate shrivelly mime.
 
Denim Skirt had a brother who also worked in the office. But apparently he was so bad at his job that his manager gave him a leaving speech saying, “Well then… we all wish him well… But time to move on... Time to move on…”

“And he just kept repeating it until it got WEIRD,” said Ellie. 

AND Denim Skirt also has a niece who was getting a bit handsy and flirty with a friend of Ellie’s and the friend couldn’t get rid of Niece and was “too nice to say eff off” as Ellie put it. So Ellie draped herself all over the friend and gave Niece the evils WITH HER EYEBALLS until Niece went away.

“ANOTHER reason Denim Skirt hates me,” said Ellie. 

“But seriously. Who wears a denim skirt the whole time? Her legs aren’t even that good and they do NOT distract from having a face like a dropped pie.”

“Can me and Caro sit with you at the dinner on Friday?” I asked. “She is going to LOVE this conversation.”

I then had to excuse myself for two minutes. “I won’t say why but I’m sure you already know,” I said.
 
WEEWEES

Ellie had typed onto our Teams chat when I got back. 

She is very proud of her daughter Aubrey because she has started announcing wees and poos before they happen. “But it’s not in a normal voice,” she told me. “She’ll be all like, ‘teddybear’, ‘flower’, ‘truck’ in a little girl voice but then she’ll announce ‘WEEWEES’ like a robot.”

I surmised that this mean she might be getting ready for toilet-training. “You’ll be getting wee-ed and pooed on a lot,” I added, stupidly.

“LIKE I’M NOT RIGHT NOW SYMON?!??” she retorted. “I am CONSTANTLY COVERED IN POO. See this fingernail? THAT IS NOT CHOCOLATE. And I BITE MY NAILS Symon! I am NOT chewing on this bad boy!!”

She went on to tell me that she once changed a nappy and then wiped her forehead without checking if she had poo on her hands first. “I SMEARED it across my forehead!” she wailed. “I was AN ACTUAL POOHEAD.”

“Baby poo gets everywhere!” she claims. “Everywhere! Oh my god!”

But yes. Weewees and poos get announced in the robot voice. And Ellie did “The Robot” to illustrate. This reminded me of something which caused me to admit that I have a Poo Walk.

Well, apparently. I mean. Caro claims I do. She says she can tell when I’m going to do a poo because of my purposeful poo walk. 

“AJ HAS A POO WALK! I can always tell by his walk!” said Ellie, “Well, that and he’s farted like thirty times in a row. I’m like, ‘Go for a shit! You’re poisoning the air! And then he’s in there FOREVER! What do you even get up to in there?”

I explained that sometimes a chap has a poo part one, but you know part two is coming so you stick around to let nature take its course.

“But WHY? Does it really take that long to get to the exit?” she asked, miming a poo swimming through miles of intestine. “I mean. It’s not like you’re a woman who has had a baby. YOUR INSIDES HAVE NOT BEEN TRAMPLED BY CHILDREN.”

I did not have an answer to this. But I did tell her that yes, it was POSSIBLE to take a break in between poos but that it leaves a fellow feeling unsatisfied and nervy. “I have done it if I need to go into a meeting for example,” I told her. “But I wasn’t really listening to anything you’ll have said at that meeting because my mind is just saying ‘POO POO POO POO’ the whole time.”

“In the robot voice,” laughed Ellie.

It then occurred to me to tell her about David Sedaris and The Stadium Pal. If you have never heard David Sedaris talk about The Stadium Pal then you should probably listen to this first. It's only 5 minutes.

If you have listened to that, then you will be aware of The Freedom Leg-Bag. In describing this, I mentioned the Freedom Leg-Bag to Ellie. 

“Oh my god!” said Ellie. “That could be my new name for Denim Skirt. Because she has legs and she’s a bag!” 

I liked that our conversation came to a natural circular conclusion. 

Much like this blip. Which has basically been a lot of blahblahblahmeowmeowmeow.

S.