Fun with call centres (not)

Me: Hello Vodafone. I need to cancel my contract. There’s no signal at the new address.
 
Indian call centre: Our network checker says the signal is perfect.
 
Me: I disagree. Ofcom disagrees. No voice. No data. You aren’t delivering, so I have to cancel.
 
India: But system says the signal is perfect.
 
Me: You aren’t standing where I am. I’ve had to walk to the seashore to make this call.
 
India: There must be something wrong with your phone. Various changes to settings. Take out the sim. Turn it off and on. Put the sim back. Reverse changes to settings. There, now it’s perfect.
 
Me: It isn’t Windows. And it’s still the same.
 
India: System says perfect, so it must be.
 
Me, very carefully: I’m cancelling because of your non-performance, so either help me here or I complain to Ofcom.
 
India: Oh, I’ll transfer you to the complaints manager who has the authority to help you.
 
Long wait.
 
India: Tell me about it. Ad nauseam. Then “the contract you signed excludes any refund”
 
Me: You never sent me a contract. Rinse. Repeat. Ad nauseam. OFCOM!
 
India: Oh, I’ll transfer you to another complaints manager who has the authority to help you.
 
Two more people with no authority later:" I can’t connect with [the umpteenth] manager due to a technical error. Someone will call you in 48 hours."
 
Me: Sooner would really help.
 
India: Blah blah 48 hours.
 
Me: Reaching for Ofcom.