Show Me The Way To Armadillo

My Dear Princess and Dear Friends,

I really had the best day today. I just did. It was not expected. 

Work continues to be low-level annoying, but I have decided to enjoy it. I've sent our useless vendors at least three "it is on the trolleh?" emails today*. 

But the day contained other joys. Mainly Caro who is being just adorable lately. I LOVE twenty-hours-a-week Caro, even if she is not quite yet twenty-hours-a-week Caro. Just love her. 

Secondly: Fazzy. I took Fazzy for lunch today and we had another lovely chat about life in general and nothing in particular. I'll spare you the detail though as I'm saving that for another blip. Suffice to say, I love my time with you Fazzy, I KNOW YOU ARE READING THIS FAZZY YES YOU ARE.

Thirdly: vaginas. Yes, I was as surprised as you are that vaginas formed such a large part of my working day today.

It started with Ellie. Of course it did. She announced that her fiance AJ had bumped into an old friend who - he had found out - also knows Ellie independent of him.

And he found out by the fact that when AJ described Ellie to this bloke, the bloke replied with, "I remember her! She was the one with the sore vagina!"

It is not what you think.

Apparently this bloke's encounter with Ellie came at a spin class he used to run, and Ellie would always complain, "Oh my god my VAGINA!" at the end of every lesson. 

"Well you know how I gabble on when I'm nervous," Ellie explained to AJ. "My vagina just came up every time."

Corrie sympathised. "Cycling is AWFUL," she complained. "Until you build callouses."

Ellie was APPALLED. "Are you basically an ARMADILLO down there?" she asked. 

"Oooh, I have a related story!" I piped up. 

Of course all of my (female) team looked at me and then laughed hysterically. 

But of course I DO have a sore vagina story, thank you so very much Princess! I relayed your stories of cycling misadventures and recommended "Hoo-Ha" cream to Ellie and Corrie. They were very impressed. 

I also told them how they need to buy special padded cycling shorts and not to wear knickers.

"She doesn't wear KNICKERS???" asked Ellie, wrinkling her nose. 

"I'm pretty sure she runs the shorts through the wash every now and again," I added. 

"I bloody well HOPE so," replied Ellie.

Of course that was NOT the end of it. And in fact Ellie has been WhatsApping me all evening. I located the Princess's blips on the subject and sent them to her which caused much hilarity. And then I got the message, "OMG I've got a book of vulva poetry!" 

And if you didn't know vulva poetry was a thing, now you do.

The book is called "SQUIRT" and the front cover is a picture of the inside of an orange**. My blip today is of the dedication the author wrote inside Ellie's book.

"I'm sure you have a lovely armadillo," added Shenée, on the WhatsApp chat. 

"No, Corrie is the one with the armadillo. I'm more like a naked mole rat," replied Ellie.

Reading that sentence caused me to near-choke on my dinner. "And I'm OUT! Mic drop," texted Ellie. 

She has a point. There is really not much more one can add to that. 

And - by the way - you are welcome. 

S.

* This is a BA technique I employ where I pretend to be a complete dullard and ask the same question over and over and over and over until the hapless victim is forced to answer my question. It is named after a sketch by Victoria Wood wherein she keeps asking a poor man if he can select a dessert from her sweet trolley, even though he doesn't want dessert. 

"Is it on the trolleh? Can ye point at it? Is it a sweet?" she keeps saying. And that is how I feel when I keep asking vendors, "So HOW did you break it? But really, I didn't understand HOW did you break it?"

** Which reminds me. Recently, Linda posted a picture of a half-avocado on Instagram, in order to talk about her healthy diet. However, the Insta artificial intelligence clearly has its mind in the sewer, because it CENSORED Linda's avocado - mistaking it for something ELSE of Linda's. Something that you wouldn't necessarily want on toast with salmon and cottage cheese. Or maybe you would. Look, I don't judge.