Einstein and Eddington

My Dear Princess and Dear Fellows,

Fazzy and me were in the back of the rental car. Shenée was driving, and talking to Ollie, who is The Navigator.

"...so they've already got a room named 'Pawharu' which is a-MAY-zing because I already had the packhorse lobster in a high-res photo. But then I did some research and I was like 'But IS it the right lobster?' because there's a spiny little guy lobster and a Jesus lobster well not an actual Jesus more like a 'Hey-Zooce' lobster and did you know what we call crayfish are actually lobsters and anyway it's f*cking confusing but they definitely have pawharu which is the southern packhorse so I had to look it up by its Latin name..."

Fazzy looked over at me. "Are you getting all this?" she said. 

It is a problem, to be sure. My team currently provides me with so much blippable material that I often forget the humorous highlight of the day. And in fact the Southern Packhorse Lobster Monologue was not even that big of a highlight. But it does give to you, Dear Princess and Dear Friends, an insight into how our days often are. 

I included some extra impromptu day shots for further elucidation purposes. That's Sam singing the project song on a guitar he found, and Ollie scarfing down a SECOND cupcake meant for our audience!!

"Who's got a joke?" asked Shenée. 

This was to cover for the fact that she had missed her exit. Twice.

Who had a joke? Let me tell you. It was Fazzy. Fazzy, it turns out, is the guardian of Bar Jokes. She LOVES them and they make her produce my favourite Fazzy giggle that she does when she is especially amused*

"You're putting the bar jokes into your blip, right Symon?" Fazzy asked. She looked serious. And she raised her finger.

So these are HER fault.

FAZZY'S BAR JOKES
-Two peanuts walk into a bar - one was okay, the other was a-salt-ed.
-A man walks into a bar with a roll of asphalt under each arm. He asked for a drink, and another one for the road.
-Two aerials got married on the roof of a bar. The wedding was okay but the reception was AMAZING.
-Two electrons walked into the bar, the first one ordered a beer but the second said he didn't want anything. The first electron asked, "Are you sure?" and the second electron said, "I'm positive".

GROMIT'S BAR JOKE
A grasshopper walks into a bar and the barman said, "Hey, there's a cocktail named after you." And the grasshopper said, "What, Gary?"

Seriously. The worse they got, the funnier they got. 

But then it was time to go to work. Our first presentation of the day went really well. I can take little credit for this - basically if Sam is there I now step back and basically just give introductions and hand over to Fazzy and Sam who then carry the show. 

Our second presentation of the day was also fine - a very small crowd, but good fun. The third was quite low-energy. They kept us waiting for a while and I got tired. And it was a smaller, quieter group than normal. 

Still - that was it. We were now freeeeeee!!

We headed to the shopping mall for something to eat and also Fazzy got fascinated by battery-powered Disney Princesses at a toy stand. 

"Oh my GOD, you love this stuff!" I said, surprised. 

Fazzy presents herself to the world as a smart, no-nonsense professional and it is easy to be fooled that is all that she is. I feel so privileged that, as her friend, she lets me peer behind the curtain to see that she is also this sweet, funny, adorable woman WHO LOVES DISNEY PRINCESSES.

I mean. Don't get we wrong. When I saw her smile and the glow in her eyes, I know she was thinking about Haniah and Zaydaan. But I also think there was a little Fazzy in there too. Maybe a seven year old version of herself who still loves zoomy things that go BLOOP and light up.

Which reminds me. She also bought a dinosaur that lights up and ROARS and blows smoke.** 

But then she and Sam had to leave us. Fazzy had to be back in Wellington for Tuesday and Sam was going to drive home to catch up with us again tomorrow.

Ollie and Shenée drove me to MY hotel. Now. Here's the thing. For these overnight trips I have been booked into DIFFERENT hotels from everyone else. 

Why, you may ask.

PROJECT EFFING BUMPADDLE

Yes! That F*cking Project is still messing with me. The reason being that, when Ellie booked travel for everyone ELSE, she couldn't book MINE because those effers were kicking off about not letting me off their STUPID STUPID EFFING PROJECT. 

So when Ellie was finally ALLOWED to book my travel, the hotels everyone else was booked into were FULL.

So Ollie and Shenée dropped me off at the "Best Western Motor Lodge". They looked around. "Hey, you've got a recliner," said Ollie. And reclined. 

It was then we noted all the lumps taken out of the wall behind it. Like dozens of men had reclined too quickly and concussed themselves or worse, over a period of years. We imagined the hotel staff removing them quietly from the room, and tossing the bodies into a dumpster. 

But, I mean. It was fine. It wasn't the BEST (regardless of the name). But it was fine.

"Now you're checked in, you can come to our hotel and hang out," suggested Shenée. 

So I accompanied Shenée and Ollie to check in at THEIR hotel. The Airedale Boutique Hotel. 

BOU-F*CKING-TIQUE.

"Oh my GOD! This is AMAAAAAAAAZING!!" squealed Shenee as she gamboled about her room like a Spring Lamb. Leaping on the bed (see extra) and trying on the robes (see extra extra). Her room was HUGE. It had a LOUNGE. Her bathroom was IMMACULATE. There was a HAND-WRITTEN NOTE welcoming "Shenée" to the room. And no obvious recliner lumps in the wall or ANYTHING.

"You've got an ACTUAL WINE FRIDGE," I said. 

"And TWO televisions!" Shenée said, delighted. 

"I'M GOING TO WATCH THEM BOTH AT THE SAME TIME!!!!"

But it was FINE. Really. The Best Western was FINE. It's FINE. Just SHUT UP ABOUT IT FFS.

Me and Shenée watched one of her TVs for a while. She was tired, so I put on a documentary to send her to sleep. It was about Richard Feynman - someone whose books I read back in the 80's and the only scientist to whom I could ever really relate. 

"He's like ME!" said Shenée. Not sleeping.

He is. That is why I put it on. Talking to Shenée triggered a memory of him a few days back. I think it was his scientific frankness, his humour, his irreverence, his love of life and his endless curiosity and energy.

Nevertheless. There's a time and a place for curiosity and energy, Shenée. 

I turned the volume down a little and she finally napped. And while she was sleeping I marvelled for the second time today that I'd been allowed to get to know someone I respected at work. Not just as a friend but as someone who allows me to see her vulnerabilities and eccentricities and joys and sadnesses. 

It touches me, to have friends like these. 

And then it was time for me to wake her up. 

Her boutique luxury de luxe room had an actual EFFING pillar in it for eff's sake. And she delighted in going around and around it and appearing behind me. 

"Hello!" she said. 

And then she took me out for dinner. And it was special because it was with her family. So I met her mum (Patty) her dad (Dennis) her sister (Kimmy) her sister's two daughters and one of their boyfriends.

It was really fun. I miss The O'Hagans very much, as I'm sure you know. And it felt a little bit like that. Sort of. I love it when you are with family and there's all those shared tales replete with references to that time you all that that thing together. It was like that. 

And it was lovely to see Shenée so proud and so happy. You can tell she loves her family. She bought them all presents and even drew a picture for her dad. 

And they were all so welcoming and inclusive with me. I got hugs and kisses from Shenée's mum and sister, and a firm handshake from the dad. Dennis and Shenée are united in a love of science, referring to each other as "Einstein" and "Eddington" respectively. Dennis told me the story of the relationship between the two men and Shenée glowed with pride. She just loves her dad. 

Then the family told me all of their Best Entertaining Family Stories including how Patty and Dennis met*** and Kimmy's Horrific Story of the Worst Hotel Ever:

KIMMY'S HORRIFIC HOTEL STORY
As a child, Kimmy was annoyed with her other sister Kelly (who I did not meet) because Kelly was shifting around in her hotel room bed saying her legs were "itchy". Kimmy told her sister to move over and got in the same bed. And her legs WERE indeed being tickled by... something. 

MONKEY SPIDERS! 

Which I dare not google. You go ahead if you wish. I can wait.

"There were HUNDREDS of them!" Kimmy told me. "Their bodies as big as golf balls. And I picked up my pillow to swipe them away and under my pillow was the NEST and they SWARMED everywhere!!!"

The hotel staff assured them that Monkey Spiders are not dangerous and do not bite. But somehow, I can't see that being very reassuring.

"I slept in the car," said Kimmy. 

And who can blame her? I was quite traumatised just HEARING that story but - AHEM - speaking of Worst Hotels Ever...

"Stoffel is in the BEST WESTERN MOTOR LODGE!!!!!"
"HAHAHA! THAT'S IN GANG TERRITORY!!"
"DON'T WEAR BLUE OR RED AND YOU'LL BE FINE, SYMON!!!"
"AND I'VE GOT TWO TELLIES AND A WINE FRIDGE!!!"
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!!!!"

Yes. It's hilarious.

"Oh my GOD!" said Shenée, having issues breathing. "I got a hand-written note in my room. You'll probably get one wrapped around a rock, made up of letters cut out of a newspaper!"

So that was a thing. All evening.

But no. I had a lovely time. I felt warm inside to be included on a family gathering like this. And I really did feel included, like a long lost cousin or something.

And then it was time to go. 

"So what are you guys up to tomorrow?" asked Kimmy The Sister.

"Well, first Shenée will be identifying my body..." I began.

That set them all off again. In fact, Kimmy even felt the need to call Shenée ten minutes later as Shenée was driving me back to my hotel because she'd thought of MORE ways I could potentially end up as a chalk outline in my hotel room. 

"See if I rock up at the team meeting tomorrow with one tattooed teardrop, and tell you I've 'made my bones,' you'll be sorry," I warned. "I could be the smallest, oldest gang member in Auckland by this time tomorrow."

After Kimmy hung up, Shenée and I enjoyed the view of Auckland at night. It really is rather beautiful on a clear night, all lit up. Shenée - bless her heart - did actually seem a little concerned, dropping me off at the Motor Lodge. 

Didn't stop her leaving and driving back to her "boutique" hotel though.

I returned to my room, tired but happy. And I turned on my one crappy tv with its stupid, stupid Sky channels and felt very lucky.

"NO IMAGE"

Said the broken tv. 

SERIOUSLY??!??? Are you F***KING KIDDING ME??!???

It is now the morning and you will be happy to hear that I am not yet dead. 

I made it through the night without being attacked by gang members or monkey spiders. And I'm looking forward to another day in Auckland with my friends. 

S.

* It's the "hhcchhh-hccchhh-hhccchhh" noise of someone very sweet trying not to let go with a full-on belly laugh and hold it in instead. It is just adorable.

** Water vapour. 

*** At the ages of 14 and 16. It was love at first sight. They are so sweet.