Searching for sanity (Day 2236)

This weekend has been tough for me mentally, and I find myself, once more, too close to the edge of the precipice beyond which lies darkness and depression.
I guess, if I am honest with myself, it have been skirting the edge for a while, but events over the last little while have made me realise I am not coping as well as I should be.
The horror show that was Sigyn and the swans yesterday was the start of this weekend's troubles. I beat myself up for having lost control of her, then there was the inevitable social media posting castigating the awful people who had so little control of their dog it chased the swans. Feeling awful, I sent a message to the gentleman who had witnessed the events, trying to explain what had happened and how we will prevent it from happening again. In response he sent his phone number and we spoke for a while and without prompting he removed his post.
Worse for my mental health has, perhaps, been the pretty much constant messaging from a customer on a job I was last at on Wednesday. There was a flurry of messages after 7pm yesterday to go along with the messages from Friday, which came after the string of messages on Thursday. This morning, just after nine am there was another burst of messages.
Friday's messages were to tell me that one of the baths I have installed felt like it was wobbling when she used it the previous day. It definitely wasn't moving when it was fitted. A while later she confirmed that it had been her imagination. Surely you check before messaging the plumber to criticise his work.
Saturday's messages related to the flush valves on the toilets which were supplied by her. Despite my spending hours trying to get them to work properly, they don't. They are just rubbish and need to be replaced, but that is not something can do at 7pm on a Saturday evening.
This morning's messages were to tell me that the water pressure in the shower (which worked absolutely fine and which she was really pleased with last week) drops when someone uses another of the loos or taps in the house. Again, not something I can deal with on a Sunday morning and not an emergency. In my mind the message was a direct criticism of my abilities and my work. I phoned and asked what she wanted me to do about it on a Sunday morning. The answer was nothing. She doesn't feel that the constant stream of messages is inappropriate.
I am very luck that I have my beautiful wife to hold my hand and help me away from the edge. We are both still fragile after the loss of Talisker and, for me at any rate, little things are seeming like really big things. This morning HV took me to the horses, and out for a good ride on George. We managed to do a few things I have struggled to get him to do in the past, but George picked up on my lack of self confidence today and refused to go down on the beach. After a while I got off and led him down, but then struggled to get him to stand beside a rock so I could get back on. Eventually HV had to dismount to help me get on George. We did have a good time on the beach and it took my mind off things for a while, but I am still really struggling.
After lunch, we had a trip to Wasdale with Sigyn. Today she looked at swans on the loch, but completely ignored them.
Plus points for the day...
Cantering through pools of water on George and having a generally good ride.
Getting the lawn cut before it became an almost impossible task.
Getting Sigyn out for an incident free walk.
Getting the van cleared out ready for work in town tomorrow.
Most of all, HV.

Perhaps Blip isn't the place for me to unload my feelings, but by writing them here in my journal, I make a tangible admission that I am not coping as well as I should be. It also makes me think about the generally bigger picture and look at the good points there have been today, and I take a few steps back from the edge.
Tomorrow will be better.